My Mother's Day

I want to thank all my dear friends and family members that wished me a happy Mother's day yesterday - it was very special!! We had a busy day, celebrating Mother's Day at church, then celebrating Joe's Grandma's 83rd birthday, and then celebrating my MIL's birthday in the late afternoon/evening! Lots of celebrating. :)

When I woke up yesterday morning, I immediately thought of how this would be my first Mother's Day with a child in my arms. The last 2 years Joe has done something special for me on Mother's Day, honoring my less recognized role as Mother to the child we lost by miscarriage, and this year was no different. Miscarriages are a strange thing...even though I have no face to put to the baby I loved fiercely for a few weeks, she is still on my mind often. While I was in the shower, I wondered if Joe would just do something "from Lydia" or if he would include Hopie too....and all I have to say is that I have married a very wonderful man. :)

As I ate breakfast (eggs on toast which he made for me - yum!), Joe handed me a card and a vase with 3 flowers in it, a dandelion, a purple flower and a reddish tulip. He told me the dandelion was from Quincy (since he helped it grow ;) ), the purple flower was from Lydia (due to Lydia's character in the Bible), and the tulip was from Hopie. Joe said that the tulip had been broken off it's stem somehow, and was laying on the ground in our yard. It reminded him of Hopie, and he felt like it's life needed to have value, hence it's place in my boquet. It was such a simple and sweet gesture, but it brought tears to my eyes as I ached for Hopie and rejoiced over Lydia being with us.

The rest of the day was busy, but I cherished every moment with my daughter, soaking in her smiles and relishing the fact that I now have a child to celebrate Mother's Day with! Unfortunately, I completely forgot to take pictures of Liddy and I together, so I don't have any pictures to share....but...because I haven't posted pictures on here in eons...I will share a sneak peek at one of Lydia's 3 month pictures, taken recently by my SIL at MEL Photography (if only she had a website!! *hint*hint* ;) ). More will be coming soon!!



My little Liddy Bird!!



Strange...

It's strange when you feel glum about something, but can't put your finger on it.

That's how I felt today...just kind of distant and sad. It was odd because today was the first Saturday in months that I had absolutely nothing going on. I could sleep in, work out, organize, waste time, watch movies, do laundry, and surf the net as much as my little heart desired. So why did I feel so....sad?

Joe and I were talking about it on our way to my nephew's 6th birthday party when it hit me -- a year ago from yesterday was when we found out we were pregnant with our Hopie. It was a miraculous day - filled with tears and shock and laughter, looking forward to meeting the new life the Lord had blessed us with. And a year ago from today was spent at my nephew's 5th birthday party, where Joe and I exchanged secret smiles with each other as we knew something no one else knew.

Strange.

Strange that it's been a year already, when sometimes it feels like it was only weeks ago.

Strange that my nephew's birthday will now always carry a little bit of sorrow in my heart, remembering the sweet Hope we once had.

Strange that I had somehow forgotten this, and couldn't pinpoint the source of my sadness.

Strange.

So as I remember the joy and excitement that being a mother brought me by re-reading this post and this post, I will also cling to my Savior - the source of my comfort and a close companion to me through the awfulness of the past year.

"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him..." (Job 13:15)

Glory Baby

This is a primitive video that I put together last night while my candle was lit and I thought of my Hopie. I'm not technologically savvy....so unfortunately there is a watermark from the company in the middle of every image...and the timing is a bit off...but you'll get the idea. :)

This song is called "Glory Baby" by Watermark, and I just stumbled across it about a week ago and fell in love with it. I hope some of you will enjoy it as much as I did.

Keep the Candle Burning...

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss and Remembrance Day. At 7 pm, I will be joining the many others who have lost their little ones in lighting a candle so that there may be a continuous wave of light across the world.

I know I've been absent in posting lately. I want to write - and I think of things to share...but sometimes it's just easier for me to zone out to something thoughtless or choose the easy route, rather than sort through my emotions enough to articulate them here.

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The past month has been much harder than I expected. I thought that once I passed Sept. 27th, Hopie's due date, that things would get much easier.

I was so wrong.

Instead, it seems that my pain and heartache is only magnified each time I see someone with a newborn, knowing that it should be my daughter we are cooing over and smiling about.

My arms feel more empty than I could have ever imagined.

I hate feeling this way. I hate avoiding conversations with my pregnant friends just because it causes me pain. I hate feeling jealous of those who have just found out that they're expecting. I hate the way my heart jumps every time I hear the word "Hope", only to crash back down in my chest in sadness. I hate waiting from month to month, wondering if I'll ever be pregnant again ...if my womb will ever carry a sweet little one to term. I hate it that I avoid spending time with the Lord like I should be. Ugh. I just hate it.

I don't intend for this post to be all about me....my pain and my suffering and my loss...God only knows that there are so many others out there going through severe loss and grief that I can't even come close to.

I'm just being honest about how it's been lately. Unfortunately, it's been dark and a bit ugly inside my head and heart.

I know I'm being prayed for. And I appreciate that more than I can ever express. Please don't stop. Your prayers are often what get me through those moments of unexpected tears and wrenching heartache.

On the flip side -- if you are one of my pregnant friends, or someone who just had a baby, please please do not feel guilty. Your little one is such a precious lamb of God...treasure what you have. Treasure every kick that you feel. Kiss their little fingers and toes. Cherish every moment your belly expands or every soft kiss against their cheek. And know that I rejoice with you -- I really do. There is nothing like the joy of new life...

So today with hope, I will remember my Hopie. Knowing that she's in the arms of Jesus - where there is no more sin, no more pain, and no more heartache....she is in the most perfect and complete place she could ever be. And I can't wait to join her there.

I will also remember the precious little ones of those so dear to my heart: Alethia Joy, Samuel, Max & Olivia, Audrey, Isaac, Baby Stuelke, Baby Evers, and so many more....I can't help but smile thinking about the ruckus they must be making in Heaven. :)

Beauty from Pain

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am, at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

--Superchick "Beauty from Pain"

I know I'm behind on posting....but I wanted to share the lyrics to this song. It's been meaning more and more to me lately. Hopefully I'll have a "real" post soon...

Burdened.

Tonight I feel burdened with the need to pray. So much has been going on in my own life and in the lives of those around me...it just breaks my heart to see the pain and suffering some of them have to go through.

Recently, my cousin and his wife suffered through their first miscarriage. I was slightly surprised at how much emotion it dredged up in me. Although I was slightly jealous of them for being pregnant with the first great-grandchild in the family, I would never ever wish a miscarriage on them. I wept when I found out....

Then, just a week ago, another dear friend of mine went through a miscarriage -- only 5 months after delivering a daughter still-born. Again...my heart felt like it was being wrenched out of my chest. I could do nothing but grieve and pray with and for them...

Youth group has been wearing on me emotionally as well. There have been several fights between some of the girls -- over very petty, superficial things. Things that they should know better than to fight about. I've had to have difficult discussions with some of them. I've been the big bad mean youth leader and had to enforce the rules. I've heard some horrible background stories from some of their lives. I've needed to be informed about awkward and shocking scenarios that happened in a Christian setting. Ugh. I wish I could just ground them all until they are ready to behave! But I can't. I can just pray.

There's been a cancer scare with one of my close friends. Tests will be happening soon to find out more information. It's unnerving...

I have a terribly irritating co-worker who I have to pray about constantly when I work with her. So that I don't yell. Or lock her in the vault at the bank. Or worse...

Baby Stellan, who I've mentioned before here, is going through some awful SVT times again. I can't imagine the struggle this must be for their family...

The Lord has really been impressing on me the importance of loving others -- truly loving them as Christ does. And, as it usually happens when the Lord convicts you of something, He has been showing me every way I have been failing in this area. Depressing. Discouraging.

My husband is laid off from his job, and has been since the beginning of May. There seems to be less and less of a chance of his company hiring him back at the end of the summer like we had originally hoped.

And, as always, my womb and my arms are empty. The ache of losing Hopie never goes away...and the wound is reopened every time another sweet friend gets pregnant or I start my cycle again. I'm still happy for them. It's just....hard.

However, as we've been studying in our Bible study recently, struggles are to be expected when you're a soldier for the Lord. I Peter 4:12 says:

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation."

And we are not without hope. All our hope is in the Lord. And He willingly carries all of our burdens, no matter how trivial or small. He alone can be trusted with them.

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh...Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

2 Corinthians 4:7-11, 16-18

Fixing my gaze

About a month ago, my sis-in-law gave me a little pin like this one, to remind me of my Hopie. I pinned it to the outside pocket of my purse, so I would see it often and be reminded of my little one in Heaven.

Today, I realized it was gone.

I literally felt like all the air in my lungs had been sucked out of me in that moment. And I was at work. Of all places. I haven't really let myself react yet...I forced myself to "forget" about it (if that's even possible) and go on with my work day...put on a happy face. Maybe I can look for it later.

But it sucks. Bad.

I know it's just a pin....and I can find another one and it's no big deal...but just the fact that it even fell off!! It made me so mad! I felt like it was such an attack from Satan....Lately I've been avoiding thinking and even praying much about my precious baby because I don't want to cry...or because I want to cry, but I don't have time to cry. (Who even chooses to make time to cry? Apparently I think I can...) Looking at that pin would often get me through a tough moment when I thought I was going to lose it...or would make me think of Heaven when I was getting caught up in something infuriating at work. As you may have read in this earlier post, I have been looking for something to remind me of Hopie on a daily basis -- but something a little more permanent -- a bench, plant, tree, or piece of jewelry. That pin was tiding me over until we decided on something even better. And now it's gone.

I guess this is just a reminder as to why we are called to

"..fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
Hebrews 12:2-3

Thank you Jesus, that You know grief's deepest pain and the sorrow of death. You alone give me strength and hope. May my gaze be continually on You...

Missing you, sweet little one...

Today as I held my sweet 3 month old nephew, I couldn't help but think of our Hopie...and miss her. Later on, I created this:
title="Wordle: Little Hopie"> src="http://www.wordle.net/thumb/wrdl/703317/Little_Hopie"
alt="Wordle: Little Hopie"
style="padding:4px;border:1px solid #ddd">

Check it out and let me know what you think (since I could not for the life of me figure out a way to actually post it on my blog without it being too tiny to read! :P)

I Will Trust You, Lord

I'm sure it's my exhaustion getting the best of me...but I've been missing my Hopie so much tonight. It seems I can't stop the tears from coming...even when nothing is causing them.

I received an email from an old friend today - she lost her daughter to leukemia years ago when she was only 8, so she knows far better than I the deep darkness and pain of grief in losing a child. She shared Psalm 116:15 with me, and it touched a special place in my heart:

"His loved ones are VERY precious to him and he does not lightly let them die."

To know that there is a purpose in death...and that it is not something that the Lord brushes off as another insignificant detail of our lives as humans...or as merely another name on a list of deceased..."He does not lightly let them die." Praise God for that.

She also shared some of the lyrics from an old song by Twila Paris called, "Do I Trust You Lord". I'll share them below, the closing chorus especially expresses where I'm at right now...

Sometimes my little heart can't understand
What's in your will, what's in your plan.
So many times I'm tempted to ask you why
But I can never forget it for long,
Lord what you do could not be wrong
So I believe you even when I must cry,

Do I trust you Lord?
Does the river flow?
Do I trust you Lord?
Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind
And you've got to know I would rather die
Than to lose my faith in the One I love.
Do I trust you Lord?
Do I trust you?

I will trust you, Lord when I don't know why
I will trust you, Lord, til the day I die
I will trust you, Lord when I am blind with pain
You were God before and You'll never change
I will trust you, Lord
I will trust you,
I will trust you, Lord

It's a God-Thing

I've been trying to think of a visual remember of my Hopie to have around the house or in our yard or something. My sister-in-law got me started by giving me a small gold pin with a pair of baby's feet on it, the size they would be at 10 weeks gestation, and I've pinned it on to my purse. It's such a sweet reminder...but I still want something more. I've got a few ideas mulling around in my head...so feel free to offer any suggestions!

Anywho, the reason I mentioned that is because last night I was thinking of Hopie just before heading to bed. As I went to take my last swig of water before heading upstairs, my gaze fell on a magnet on the corner of my fridge. And I think my eyes probably tripled in size.

It's a magnet I had made at an Uppercase Living party several months ago, just a simple light blue rectangular shape with white polka dotted swirls on it....and the word "Hope". I would have gasped, but then I would have choked, thus making the moment far more dramatic than it needed to be! But it meant so much to me...to realize that the Lord prompted me to choose the word "Hope" out of the collection of other words -- I could have done "love" or "peace" or any other such thing...but I chose Hope. Coincidence? I think not. Looking back, I'm fairly certain I chose that word because of my battle with infertility and hoping so fiercely that the Lord would bless us that month...or maybe the next...or the next...never knowing that "Hope" would carry so much meaning for me later on. I love how the Lord works!

And that's not all...

Once I got upstairs, I was reading my Bible before going to sleep, and was reading Isaiah 25, one of the chapters required for our Bible Study this week.

Now, before I go on, let me mention that I do know the importance of "good hermeneutics"...but I also believe that sometimes the Lord can use passages of Scripture outside of the context it's in to speak to a person individually. Now I'll explain what I mean...

Back to Isaiah 25 -- the first 2 verses speak of praising God because,

"You have worked wonders, plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness. For You have made a city into a heap, a fortified city into a ruin..."

I couldn't help but think of the journey we've been on -- attempting to start a family for a year and a half, the joy and miracle of finding out we were pregnant, and then the overwhelming sorrow of miscarrying. I thought of infertility and miscarriage and how you feel ruined when it's all over. However, each of those events were part of God's plan of perfect faithfulness. Not that God wanted our baby to die or wanted us to go through the tears and searing pain of grief after the agony of waiting so long for a child...but He has seen the end from the beginning, and every step has been an opportunity for Him to show us His perfect faithfulness.

As I read on, I came across verse 8,

"He will swallow up death for all time, and the Lord God will wipe tears away from all faces..."

Thank you Lord that a Day is coming when tears and grief won't be a part of life anymore!

"O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" (I Cor. 15:55)

By this point, I was grinning at how the Lord had spoken to my heart and encouraged me - and yet I kept thinking of how I want to be more bold about our whole experience. I believe that the Lord can really use our story to encourage the hearts of others and also demonstrate His unfailing grace and faithfulness towards us as we cling to Him.

Which brings me to my last thought -- as hermeneutically incorrect as it may be...

As I concluded my Bible reading in II Cor 3 (by the way -- for any of you going through a particularly rough time, I have found II Corinthians to be soooo encouraging and helpful, especially the first 4 chapters. They have sustained me through many "valleys" from high school until now), I was struck by verse 12,

"Therefore, having such a hope, we use great boldness in our speech"

Dude...was God listening to my thoughts just then or what?? I want to use the experience of losing my baby....who "just happened" to be named Hope...as a way to be more bold for the Lord. EXACTLY what vs 8 was saying...in a paraphrased Liz-version.

God Rocks. There's just no way around it.

A Rose: The Price of Purpose

I've been reading the book "Digging Ditches" by Helen Roseveare recently, and was impacted by a couple of her thoughts in one of the chapters.

For those of you who have never heard of Helen Roseveare, she is a former missionary to the Congo of Africa, and underwent many challenges while there. "Digging Ditches" was written about her time after she left the Congo (for medical reasons) and finding her purpose again in normal, mundane, everyday activities.

Anywho. On to the point...

In order to illustrate a lesson on the price of our purpose in Christ, she took a single stemmed rose and stripped it to create an arrow. She began by plucking off all of it's beautiful petals and leaves. Though they were good things, and essential to the life of the rose, they would be a hindrance in its new function as an arrow. She then cut off the thorns and side branches - these would cause instability in the balance of the arrow. Then, taking the bare stem, she whittled away the bark, the very bark that protected the flower from rain and sun...but once whittled away, left the shaft polished and smooth and useful as an arrow.

The questions posed as she did this were(and I paraphrase): Am I willing to allow God to strip me of even the good things in my life (the petals and leaves), if that will make me into an instrument for His service? Even my marriage, my little Hopie (as I call Faith Hope), and my general happiness? Am I willing to let God strip me of my "rights" (the branches) -- my right to choose my husband, choose where I work, choose when I try to get pregnant, and have a cozy home and a happy life -- if that's what it takes to "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles"? Am I willing to be stripped naked of myself (the bark) and the essence of who I am and what my plans are for my life in order to be wholly identified with Him and available for His purpose?

Wow.

I found myself weeping as I read through her illustration...once again reminded that it's not about ME. Even though I think that losing my little Hopie sucks (and it does), and it's not fair and why me and why doesn't God just wipe all this pain and despair away? But it's not about ME. It's about HIM. Not that that trivializes or minimizes the pain and sorrow I'm going through...but it does give me HOPE.

There IS a PURPOSE in this sorrow...

"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him..."

The title of this post is from Job 13:15, and has been my close companion for the last 2 weeks, as well as numerous Psalms.

Most of you know why I say this, but for those of you who don't have a clue, on Feb. 18th, 3 days after my last post, we heard my Doctor tell us that our little precious one doesn't have a heartbeat anymore.

Needless to say, it's been a rough 2 weeks.

But the Lord is always faithful...and even though I don't understand His ways or why I have to go through this sorrow after waiting so long to get pregnant...I know that He is God. And I know that all that God does is characterized by His love, mercy, faithfulness, sovereignty, grace, and so much more, though it may not seem like it at the time.

Joe and I believe that our precious child would have been a girl, and chose the name "Faith Hope" for our little one...literally describing where we are at right now -- choosing to trust and have faith in our all-powerful God through each dark valley and foggy corner; and rejoicing in hope that we will see our little one in Heaven someday, and that the Lord will also bless us with more children in the future. "Rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation..." (Rom. 12:12)

I normally use my blog as a way to share about light-hearted happenings in my life, or the trivial mundane moments we all deal with, or significant milestones. But for a while - and maybe from now on - I am going to share a little more of my soul. Life is joyful and full of surprises, yes, but there is sorrow and pain too. And I believe part of what makes my life as a Christ-follower so important is the ability to accept both with grace and contentment. It's easy to be joyful and content when circumstances go as I wish them to, and life is lived gloriously on the mountaintops. But it's more of a challenge -- and reveals more character -- when I am joyful and content even in the darkest valleys, or when fog keeps me from seeing what step I should take next. That's when the rubber meets the road, and my faith becomes reality. I want to be able to say as the Apostle Paul said, "...I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am." (Phil. 4:11)

Okay, enough rambling. I'll leave you with a poem that my Mom gave my Aunt Lesia when she lost her firstborn son, and she passed on to me. And I am so grateful for it...

Baby Tears
We cried tears when we learned that a child would be,
That your God had allowed you to quicken in me.
We cried tears with our loved ones as they shared our joy,
And we thought about names for a girl or a boy.
I cried tears as I thought of the things that we would do,
All the things that your Daddy would pass on to you.
And I cried as I thought of each inch you had grown,
As I pondered the day that you'd make yourself known.
Then, to think of the world you must enter brought tears.
Once again, little loved one, your Mother cried tears.

Something's wrong, I can tell - once again there are tears,
And I'll not get the chance of your love through the years.
Oh the ache and the sorrow and all of the pain,
And again, yes again, my tears fell like rain.
Then His peace comes to me as I think of you there,
Gently rocking with FATHER in His favorite chair.
Your sweet little fingers clenched tight in His palm,
And His SON softly singing to help keep you calm.
Our FATHER knew your days before they came to be,
And He knew, little one, you would not stay with me.

So, I cry but I know that when this life is done,
I will greet and embrace you my sweet little one.
There's a time to be born and a time to die,
And the joy and the sorrow both make us cry!
--Conni Johnson--