A Time for Everything...

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under Heaven...  Ecclesiastes 3:1

Why is it that life's greatest joys are often accompanied by inexpressible sorrows?

As Joe and I rejoice in the little details of getting ready for our first child, it is coupled with a deadening grief over the recent news of a dear family friend of ours.

To put it succinctly, our friend, Kathleen Olson, has been battling lung cancer (though she's never smoked) for around a year now. The cancer has spread throughout most of her body, and she has been participating in numerous treatments to help alleviate the symptoms she's experienced and hopefully hold the cancer at bay.

Just a week ago (from Sunday) she and her husband led worship at our church in Iowa, but now she has been admitted to a hospice center because of her restlessness and needing more consistent care. Her husband Jeff has been by her side, and her 3 children (12 and under) will be returning from a short trip to the lake that they had over the weekend to get away.

Will you join with me in praying for their family? Here are some specific ways we can be praying:

• Healing - As always, we hope for the miracle of healing, and know that God is able to do all things, according to His infinite wisdom and mercy.
• Wisdom regarding what to do next - if Kathleen should stay in the hospice center, or be moved back home if she is stable enough.
• The Children (Jonathon, Hannah and Laura) as they return home tomorrow. When they left, Kathleen was still at home and able to communicate with them on a small level, but she has deteriorated much while they've been gone. Pray that they won't be frightened, and that the peace of Christ would be near to them. Also pray for all the decisions that will be effecting them in the future.
• Kathleen's parents. They are visiting now, and helping with all of the household chores and other "to do's". Pray for them as they see their daughter suffering, and ultimately, that they might make Christ their Savior.
• My family - My parents have been intricately involved in helping with Kathleen, watching the kids, making meals, cleaning, etc. I know that it's wearing on them emotionally and physically. Pray that they may be strong and a source of encouragement.
• Peace for everyone.

Your prayers mean so much. Thank you.

I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth... Psalm 121:1-2

Strange...

It's strange when you feel glum about something, but can't put your finger on it.

That's how I felt today...just kind of distant and sad. It was odd because today was the first Saturday in months that I had absolutely nothing going on. I could sleep in, work out, organize, waste time, watch movies, do laundry, and surf the net as much as my little heart desired. So why did I feel so....sad?

Joe and I were talking about it on our way to my nephew's 6th birthday party when it hit me -- a year ago from yesterday was when we found out we were pregnant with our Hopie. It was a miraculous day - filled with tears and shock and laughter, looking forward to meeting the new life the Lord had blessed us with. And a year ago from today was spent at my nephew's 5th birthday party, where Joe and I exchanged secret smiles with each other as we knew something no one else knew.

Strange.

Strange that it's been a year already, when sometimes it feels like it was only weeks ago.

Strange that my nephew's birthday will now always carry a little bit of sorrow in my heart, remembering the sweet Hope we once had.

Strange that I had somehow forgotten this, and couldn't pinpoint the source of my sadness.

Strange.

So as I remember the joy and excitement that being a mother brought me by re-reading this post and this post, I will also cling to my Savior - the source of my comfort and a close companion to me through the awfulness of the past year.

"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him..." (Job 13:15)

Glory Baby

This is a primitive video that I put together last night while my candle was lit and I thought of my Hopie. I'm not technologically savvy....so unfortunately there is a watermark from the company in the middle of every image...and the timing is a bit off...but you'll get the idea. :)

This song is called "Glory Baby" by Watermark, and I just stumbled across it about a week ago and fell in love with it. I hope some of you will enjoy it as much as I did.

Keep the Candle Burning...

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss and Remembrance Day. At 7 pm, I will be joining the many others who have lost their little ones in lighting a candle so that there may be a continuous wave of light across the world.

I know I've been absent in posting lately. I want to write - and I think of things to share...but sometimes it's just easier for me to zone out to something thoughtless or choose the easy route, rather than sort through my emotions enough to articulate them here.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The past month has been much harder than I expected. I thought that once I passed Sept. 27th, Hopie's due date, that things would get much easier.

I was so wrong.

Instead, it seems that my pain and heartache is only magnified each time I see someone with a newborn, knowing that it should be my daughter we are cooing over and smiling about.

My arms feel more empty than I could have ever imagined.

I hate feeling this way. I hate avoiding conversations with my pregnant friends just because it causes me pain. I hate feeling jealous of those who have just found out that they're expecting. I hate the way my heart jumps every time I hear the word "Hope", only to crash back down in my chest in sadness. I hate waiting from month to month, wondering if I'll ever be pregnant again ...if my womb will ever carry a sweet little one to term. I hate it that I avoid spending time with the Lord like I should be. Ugh. I just hate it.

I don't intend for this post to be all about me....my pain and my suffering and my loss...God only knows that there are so many others out there going through severe loss and grief that I can't even come close to.

I'm just being honest about how it's been lately. Unfortunately, it's been dark and a bit ugly inside my head and heart.

I know I'm being prayed for. And I appreciate that more than I can ever express. Please don't stop. Your prayers are often what get me through those moments of unexpected tears and wrenching heartache.

On the flip side -- if you are one of my pregnant friends, or someone who just had a baby, please please do not feel guilty. Your little one is such a precious lamb of God...treasure what you have. Treasure every kick that you feel. Kiss their little fingers and toes. Cherish every moment your belly expands or every soft kiss against their cheek. And know that I rejoice with you -- I really do. There is nothing like the joy of new life...

So today with hope, I will remember my Hopie. Knowing that she's in the arms of Jesus - where there is no more sin, no more pain, and no more heartache....she is in the most perfect and complete place she could ever be. And I can't wait to join her there.

I will also remember the precious little ones of those so dear to my heart: Alethia Joy, Samuel, Max & Olivia, Audrey, Isaac, Baby Stuelke, Baby Evers, and so many more....I can't help but smile thinking about the ruckus they must be making in Heaven. :)

Beauty from Pain

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am, at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

--Superchick "Beauty from Pain"

I know I'm behind on posting....but I wanted to share the lyrics to this song. It's been meaning more and more to me lately. Hopefully I'll have a "real" post soon...

He Will Carry Me...

This song has been on my heart and mind today...

He Will Carry Me
by Mark Schultz

I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more then I can bear
I feel so empty

You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength
that I will ever need
He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength
that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me
through the storm

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength
that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me
He will carry me

Fixing my gaze

About a month ago, my sis-in-law gave me a little pin like this one, to remind me of my Hopie. I pinned it to the outside pocket of my purse, so I would see it often and be reminded of my little one in Heaven.

Today, I realized it was gone.

I literally felt like all the air in my lungs had been sucked out of me in that moment. And I was at work. Of all places. I haven't really let myself react yet...I forced myself to "forget" about it (if that's even possible) and go on with my work day...put on a happy face. Maybe I can look for it later.

But it sucks. Bad.

I know it's just a pin....and I can find another one and it's no big deal...but just the fact that it even fell off!! It made me so mad! I felt like it was such an attack from Satan....Lately I've been avoiding thinking and even praying much about my precious baby because I don't want to cry...or because I want to cry, but I don't have time to cry. (Who even chooses to make time to cry? Apparently I think I can...) Looking at that pin would often get me through a tough moment when I thought I was going to lose it...or would make me think of Heaven when I was getting caught up in something infuriating at work. As you may have read in this earlier post, I have been looking for something to remind me of Hopie on a daily basis -- but something a little more permanent -- a bench, plant, tree, or piece of jewelry. That pin was tiding me over until we decided on something even better. And now it's gone.

I guess this is just a reminder as to why we are called to

"..fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
Hebrews 12:2-3

Thank you Jesus, that You know grief's deepest pain and the sorrow of death. You alone give me strength and hope. May my gaze be continually on You...

Missing you, sweet little one...

Today as I held my sweet 3 month old nephew, I couldn't help but think of our Hopie...and miss her. Later on, I created this:
title="Wordle: Little Hopie"> src="http://www.wordle.net/thumb/wrdl/703317/Little_Hopie"
alt="Wordle: Little Hopie"
style="padding:4px;border:1px solid #ddd">

Check it out and let me know what you think (since I could not for the life of me figure out a way to actually post it on my blog without it being too tiny to read! :P)

I Will Trust You, Lord

I'm sure it's my exhaustion getting the best of me...but I've been missing my Hopie so much tonight. It seems I can't stop the tears from coming...even when nothing is causing them.

I received an email from an old friend today - she lost her daughter to leukemia years ago when she was only 8, so she knows far better than I the deep darkness and pain of grief in losing a child. She shared Psalm 116:15 with me, and it touched a special place in my heart:

"His loved ones are VERY precious to him and he does not lightly let them die."

To know that there is a purpose in death...and that it is not something that the Lord brushes off as another insignificant detail of our lives as humans...or as merely another name on a list of deceased..."He does not lightly let them die." Praise God for that.

She also shared some of the lyrics from an old song by Twila Paris called, "Do I Trust You Lord". I'll share them below, the closing chorus especially expresses where I'm at right now...

Sometimes my little heart can't understand
What's in your will, what's in your plan.
So many times I'm tempted to ask you why
But I can never forget it for long,
Lord what you do could not be wrong
So I believe you even when I must cry,

Do I trust you Lord?
Does the river flow?
Do I trust you Lord?
Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind
And you've got to know I would rather die
Than to lose my faith in the One I love.
Do I trust you Lord?
Do I trust you?

I will trust you, Lord when I don't know why
I will trust you, Lord, til the day I die
I will trust you, Lord when I am blind with pain
You were God before and You'll never change
I will trust you, Lord
I will trust you,
I will trust you, Lord

"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him..."

The title of this post is from Job 13:15, and has been my close companion for the last 2 weeks, as well as numerous Psalms.

Most of you know why I say this, but for those of you who don't have a clue, on Feb. 18th, 3 days after my last post, we heard my Doctor tell us that our little precious one doesn't have a heartbeat anymore.

Needless to say, it's been a rough 2 weeks.

But the Lord is always faithful...and even though I don't understand His ways or why I have to go through this sorrow after waiting so long to get pregnant...I know that He is God. And I know that all that God does is characterized by His love, mercy, faithfulness, sovereignty, grace, and so much more, though it may not seem like it at the time.

Joe and I believe that our precious child would have been a girl, and chose the name "Faith Hope" for our little one...literally describing where we are at right now -- choosing to trust and have faith in our all-powerful God through each dark valley and foggy corner; and rejoicing in hope that we will see our little one in Heaven someday, and that the Lord will also bless us with more children in the future. "Rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation..." (Rom. 12:12)

I normally use my blog as a way to share about light-hearted happenings in my life, or the trivial mundane moments we all deal with, or significant milestones. But for a while - and maybe from now on - I am going to share a little more of my soul. Life is joyful and full of surprises, yes, but there is sorrow and pain too. And I believe part of what makes my life as a Christ-follower so important is the ability to accept both with grace and contentment. It's easy to be joyful and content when circumstances go as I wish them to, and life is lived gloriously on the mountaintops. But it's more of a challenge -- and reveals more character -- when I am joyful and content even in the darkest valleys, or when fog keeps me from seeing what step I should take next. That's when the rubber meets the road, and my faith becomes reality. I want to be able to say as the Apostle Paul said, "...I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am." (Phil. 4:11)

Okay, enough rambling. I'll leave you with a poem that my Mom gave my Aunt Lesia when she lost her firstborn son, and she passed on to me. And I am so grateful for it...

Baby Tears
We cried tears when we learned that a child would be,
That your God had allowed you to quicken in me.
We cried tears with our loved ones as they shared our joy,
And we thought about names for a girl or a boy.
I cried tears as I thought of the things that we would do,
All the things that your Daddy would pass on to you.
And I cried as I thought of each inch you had grown,
As I pondered the day that you'd make yourself known.
Then, to think of the world you must enter brought tears.
Once again, little loved one, your Mother cried tears.

Something's wrong, I can tell - once again there are tears,
And I'll not get the chance of your love through the years.
Oh the ache and the sorrow and all of the pain,
And again, yes again, my tears fell like rain.
Then His peace comes to me as I think of you there,
Gently rocking with FATHER in His favorite chair.
Your sweet little fingers clenched tight in His palm,
And His SON softly singing to help keep you calm.
Our FATHER knew your days before they came to be,
And He knew, little one, you would not stay with me.

So, I cry but I know that when this life is done,
I will greet and embrace you my sweet little one.
There's a time to be born and a time to die,
And the joy and the sorrow both make us cry!
--Conni Johnson--