Strange...

It's strange when you feel glum about something, but can't put your finger on it.

That's how I felt today...just kind of distant and sad. It was odd because today was the first Saturday in months that I had absolutely nothing going on. I could sleep in, work out, organize, waste time, watch movies, do laundry, and surf the net as much as my little heart desired. So why did I feel so....sad?

Joe and I were talking about it on our way to my nephew's 6th birthday party when it hit me -- a year ago from yesterday was when we found out we were pregnant with our Hopie. It was a miraculous day - filled with tears and shock and laughter, looking forward to meeting the new life the Lord had blessed us with. And a year ago from today was spent at my nephew's 5th birthday party, where Joe and I exchanged secret smiles with each other as we knew something no one else knew.

Strange.

Strange that it's been a year already, when sometimes it feels like it was only weeks ago.

Strange that my nephew's birthday will now always carry a little bit of sorrow in my heart, remembering the sweet Hope we once had.

Strange that I had somehow forgotten this, and couldn't pinpoint the source of my sadness.

Strange.

So as I remember the joy and excitement that being a mother brought me by re-reading this post and this post, I will also cling to my Savior - the source of my comfort and a close companion to me through the awfulness of the past year.

"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him..." (Job 13:15)

Keep the Candle Burning...

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss and Remembrance Day. At 7 pm, I will be joining the many others who have lost their little ones in lighting a candle so that there may be a continuous wave of light across the world.

I know I've been absent in posting lately. I want to write - and I think of things to share...but sometimes it's just easier for me to zone out to something thoughtless or choose the easy route, rather than sort through my emotions enough to articulate them here.

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The past month has been much harder than I expected. I thought that once I passed Sept. 27th, Hopie's due date, that things would get much easier.

I was so wrong.

Instead, it seems that my pain and heartache is only magnified each time I see someone with a newborn, knowing that it should be my daughter we are cooing over and smiling about.

My arms feel more empty than I could have ever imagined.

I hate feeling this way. I hate avoiding conversations with my pregnant friends just because it causes me pain. I hate feeling jealous of those who have just found out that they're expecting. I hate the way my heart jumps every time I hear the word "Hope", only to crash back down in my chest in sadness. I hate waiting from month to month, wondering if I'll ever be pregnant again ...if my womb will ever carry a sweet little one to term. I hate it that I avoid spending time with the Lord like I should be. Ugh. I just hate it.

I don't intend for this post to be all about me....my pain and my suffering and my loss...God only knows that there are so many others out there going through severe loss and grief that I can't even come close to.

I'm just being honest about how it's been lately. Unfortunately, it's been dark and a bit ugly inside my head and heart.

I know I'm being prayed for. And I appreciate that more than I can ever express. Please don't stop. Your prayers are often what get me through those moments of unexpected tears and wrenching heartache.

On the flip side -- if you are one of my pregnant friends, or someone who just had a baby, please please do not feel guilty. Your little one is such a precious lamb of God...treasure what you have. Treasure every kick that you feel. Kiss their little fingers and toes. Cherish every moment your belly expands or every soft kiss against their cheek. And know that I rejoice with you -- I really do. There is nothing like the joy of new life...

So today with hope, I will remember my Hopie. Knowing that she's in the arms of Jesus - where there is no more sin, no more pain, and no more heartache....she is in the most perfect and complete place she could ever be. And I can't wait to join her there.

I will also remember the precious little ones of those so dear to my heart: Alethia Joy, Samuel, Max & Olivia, Audrey, Isaac, Baby Stuelke, Baby Evers, and so many more....I can't help but smile thinking about the ruckus they must be making in Heaven. :)

Burdened.

Tonight I feel burdened with the need to pray. So much has been going on in my own life and in the lives of those around me...it just breaks my heart to see the pain and suffering some of them have to go through.

Recently, my cousin and his wife suffered through their first miscarriage. I was slightly surprised at how much emotion it dredged up in me. Although I was slightly jealous of them for being pregnant with the first great-grandchild in the family, I would never ever wish a miscarriage on them. I wept when I found out....

Then, just a week ago, another dear friend of mine went through a miscarriage -- only 5 months after delivering a daughter still-born. Again...my heart felt like it was being wrenched out of my chest. I could do nothing but grieve and pray with and for them...

Youth group has been wearing on me emotionally as well. There have been several fights between some of the girls -- over very petty, superficial things. Things that they should know better than to fight about. I've had to have difficult discussions with some of them. I've been the big bad mean youth leader and had to enforce the rules. I've heard some horrible background stories from some of their lives. I've needed to be informed about awkward and shocking scenarios that happened in a Christian setting. Ugh. I wish I could just ground them all until they are ready to behave! But I can't. I can just pray.

There's been a cancer scare with one of my close friends. Tests will be happening soon to find out more information. It's unnerving...

I have a terribly irritating co-worker who I have to pray about constantly when I work with her. So that I don't yell. Or lock her in the vault at the bank. Or worse...

Baby Stellan, who I've mentioned before here, is going through some awful SVT times again. I can't imagine the struggle this must be for their family...

The Lord has really been impressing on me the importance of loving others -- truly loving them as Christ does. And, as it usually happens when the Lord convicts you of something, He has been showing me every way I have been failing in this area. Depressing. Discouraging.

My husband is laid off from his job, and has been since the beginning of May. There seems to be less and less of a chance of his company hiring him back at the end of the summer like we had originally hoped.

And, as always, my womb and my arms are empty. The ache of losing Hopie never goes away...and the wound is reopened every time another sweet friend gets pregnant or I start my cycle again. I'm still happy for them. It's just....hard.

However, as we've been studying in our Bible study recently, struggles are to be expected when you're a soldier for the Lord. I Peter 4:12 says:

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation."

And we are not without hope. All our hope is in the Lord. And He willingly carries all of our burdens, no matter how trivial or small. He alone can be trusted with them.

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh...Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

2 Corinthians 4:7-11, 16-18

Bi-Polar post...

*** WARNING: this post has two drastically different emotional sides to it. Consider yourself forewarned...***

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The Happy Half:

Last week was my stupid week. Seriously. And I don't mean it in a negative way...but rather to poke fun at myself, because life has been a little too "down" lately. To start out the week, I practiced with seven men from my church on "All Hail the Power of Jesus' Name" that they're going to be singing for Easter Sunday. I've never "directed" this type of thing before, so it's all been new to me, and I've had a tendency to be a bit flighty about it all. But Monday took the cake as I desperately tried to convince the tenors to sing the baritone part. Even telling them, "No, no, no...you don't go up there! You stay the same! See? ..." To my credit, they didn't notice either until we got 3/4 through the song...at which point I slapped myself on the forehead (literally) and said "DUUUHHHH!!! I'm playing the baritone part!!! Not the tenor!!!! Ahh! Sorry guys!!"

Good thing they're forgiving!

My second moment of stupidity also happened Monday night. I got home (from the men's vocal practice) exhausted, as I had worked all day and accompanied for a solo recital at the high school and worked with the men's group. Needless to say, I wasn't exactly paying attention and all I wanted to do was go to bed. Joe had already left for work, so I stumbled in the back door, checked my email, and climbed into bed. The next morning, I heard Joe come upstairs and thought I'd just keep my eyes closed and try to fall back asleep, hoping he wouldn't turn on the light. Unfortunately, he turned on the hall light, and I groaned and squinted at him, to which he said,

"So you are alive."

I figured he said that because I look half-dead right when I wake up in the morning, so I laughed sleepily, brushing it off. Then he crouched down to be right at eye-level with me and said seriously,

"Did you know you left your keys in the back door all night?"

*blink*blink*

Needless to say, my heart skipped a few beats, and then I understood why he had asked if I was alive....for all he knew, a burglar could have broken in and murdered me in my sleep! And I'm the one who's always freaked out about intruders breaking in...seriously...

Which brings me to my third stupid moment. A few days after the first 2 stupid-incidents, we decided to have pizza for dinner. DiGiorno, which is, in Joe's words, "the BEST frozen pizza EVER". (And he would know!) So I got it out and ready -- it was a bizzare kind, pepperoni with sun-dried peppers or something like that, and I didn't think I'd like it, but I thought -- Joe loves DiGiorno pizza, I'll make it for his sake. I know he'll eat it. So I opened the package and popped it in the pizza oven without a second thought.

10 minutes later, when I went to pull it out, I gasped, and then started giggling uncontrollably. I had left the cardboard circle on the bottom of the pizza when I put it in the pizza oven.

Let's just say I was testing our smoke alarms. And our fire safety knowledge. And our house insurance policy.

Yikes.

After Joe got done scolding me, and I apologized profusely, and he scolded me some more, and we had to bake the pizza all over again (because the bottom crust wasn't done AT ALL), and Joe scolded me again and the pizza came out mostly BLACK....I learned my lesson. I'll never do that again!!

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The Pessimistic Part: (and I'll keep it brief)

Why in Heaven's name does every STINKIN' co-worker of mine have to mention every person they've ever known in their whole life who just had a baby, or who's baby shower they just went to, or who's baby is so cute, or who just found out they're pregnant, and on and on and on and on....HELLLLOOOOO!!!! Do they not know I JUST HAD a miscarriage?!?!?!?!??!!

*deep breathing*

Now that that's out of my system....it's not that I don't want to hear about babies -- because I am ecstatic when I hear of friends who are pregnant and such. Truly, I am. But to hear of another person who's pregnant -- who I don't even know (and frankly, don't really care about, if I may be completely blunt) -- multiple times a day every day I'm there is a little much. Show some sensitivity, people! :)

Missing you, sweet little one...

Today as I held my sweet 3 month old nephew, I couldn't help but think of our Hopie...and miss her. Later on, I created this:
title="Wordle: Little Hopie"> src="http://www.wordle.net/thumb/wrdl/703317/Little_Hopie"
alt="Wordle: Little Hopie"
style="padding:4px;border:1px solid #ddd">

Check it out and let me know what you think (since I could not for the life of me figure out a way to actually post it on my blog without it being too tiny to read! :P)

"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him..."

The title of this post is from Job 13:15, and has been my close companion for the last 2 weeks, as well as numerous Psalms.

Most of you know why I say this, but for those of you who don't have a clue, on Feb. 18th, 3 days after my last post, we heard my Doctor tell us that our little precious one doesn't have a heartbeat anymore.

Needless to say, it's been a rough 2 weeks.

But the Lord is always faithful...and even though I don't understand His ways or why I have to go through this sorrow after waiting so long to get pregnant...I know that He is God. And I know that all that God does is characterized by His love, mercy, faithfulness, sovereignty, grace, and so much more, though it may not seem like it at the time.

Joe and I believe that our precious child would have been a girl, and chose the name "Faith Hope" for our little one...literally describing where we are at right now -- choosing to trust and have faith in our all-powerful God through each dark valley and foggy corner; and rejoicing in hope that we will see our little one in Heaven someday, and that the Lord will also bless us with more children in the future. "Rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation..." (Rom. 12:12)

I normally use my blog as a way to share about light-hearted happenings in my life, or the trivial mundane moments we all deal with, or significant milestones. But for a while - and maybe from now on - I am going to share a little more of my soul. Life is joyful and full of surprises, yes, but there is sorrow and pain too. And I believe part of what makes my life as a Christ-follower so important is the ability to accept both with grace and contentment. It's easy to be joyful and content when circumstances go as I wish them to, and life is lived gloriously on the mountaintops. But it's more of a challenge -- and reveals more character -- when I am joyful and content even in the darkest valleys, or when fog keeps me from seeing what step I should take next. That's when the rubber meets the road, and my faith becomes reality. I want to be able to say as the Apostle Paul said, "...I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am." (Phil. 4:11)

Okay, enough rambling. I'll leave you with a poem that my Mom gave my Aunt Lesia when she lost her firstborn son, and she passed on to me. And I am so grateful for it...

Baby Tears
We cried tears when we learned that a child would be,
That your God had allowed you to quicken in me.
We cried tears with our loved ones as they shared our joy,
And we thought about names for a girl or a boy.
I cried tears as I thought of the things that we would do,
All the things that your Daddy would pass on to you.
And I cried as I thought of each inch you had grown,
As I pondered the day that you'd make yourself known.
Then, to think of the world you must enter brought tears.
Once again, little loved one, your Mother cried tears.

Something's wrong, I can tell - once again there are tears,
And I'll not get the chance of your love through the years.
Oh the ache and the sorrow and all of the pain,
And again, yes again, my tears fell like rain.
Then His peace comes to me as I think of you there,
Gently rocking with FATHER in His favorite chair.
Your sweet little fingers clenched tight in His palm,
And His SON softly singing to help keep you calm.
Our FATHER knew your days before they came to be,
And He knew, little one, you would not stay with me.

So, I cry but I know that when this life is done,
I will greet and embrace you my sweet little one.
There's a time to be born and a time to die,
And the joy and the sorrow both make us cry!
--Conni Johnson--