Bi-Polar post...

*** WARNING: this post has two drastically different emotional sides to it. Consider yourself forewarned...***

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The Happy Half:

Last week was my stupid week. Seriously. And I don't mean it in a negative way...but rather to poke fun at myself, because life has been a little too "down" lately. To start out the week, I practiced with seven men from my church on "All Hail the Power of Jesus' Name" that they're going to be singing for Easter Sunday. I've never "directed" this type of thing before, so it's all been new to me, and I've had a tendency to be a bit flighty about it all. But Monday took the cake as I desperately tried to convince the tenors to sing the baritone part. Even telling them, "No, no, no...you don't go up there! You stay the same! See? ..." To my credit, they didn't notice either until we got 3/4 through the song...at which point I slapped myself on the forehead (literally) and said "DUUUHHHH!!! I'm playing the baritone part!!! Not the tenor!!!! Ahh! Sorry guys!!"

Good thing they're forgiving!

My second moment of stupidity also happened Monday night. I got home (from the men's vocal practice) exhausted, as I had worked all day and accompanied for a solo recital at the high school and worked with the men's group. Needless to say, I wasn't exactly paying attention and all I wanted to do was go to bed. Joe had already left for work, so I stumbled in the back door, checked my email, and climbed into bed. The next morning, I heard Joe come upstairs and thought I'd just keep my eyes closed and try to fall back asleep, hoping he wouldn't turn on the light. Unfortunately, he turned on the hall light, and I groaned and squinted at him, to which he said,

"So you are alive."

I figured he said that because I look half-dead right when I wake up in the morning, so I laughed sleepily, brushing it off. Then he crouched down to be right at eye-level with me and said seriously,

"Did you know you left your keys in the back door all night?"

*blink*blink*

Needless to say, my heart skipped a few beats, and then I understood why he had asked if I was alive....for all he knew, a burglar could have broken in and murdered me in my sleep! And I'm the one who's always freaked out about intruders breaking in...seriously...

Which brings me to my third stupid moment. A few days after the first 2 stupid-incidents, we decided to have pizza for dinner. DiGiorno, which is, in Joe's words, "the BEST frozen pizza EVER". (And he would know!) So I got it out and ready -- it was a bizzare kind, pepperoni with sun-dried peppers or something like that, and I didn't think I'd like it, but I thought -- Joe loves DiGiorno pizza, I'll make it for his sake. I know he'll eat it. So I opened the package and popped it in the pizza oven without a second thought.

10 minutes later, when I went to pull it out, I gasped, and then started giggling uncontrollably. I had left the cardboard circle on the bottom of the pizza when I put it in the pizza oven.

Let's just say I was testing our smoke alarms. And our fire safety knowledge. And our house insurance policy.

Yikes.

After Joe got done scolding me, and I apologized profusely, and he scolded me some more, and we had to bake the pizza all over again (because the bottom crust wasn't done AT ALL), and Joe scolded me again and the pizza came out mostly BLACK....I learned my lesson. I'll never do that again!!

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The Pessimistic Part: (and I'll keep it brief)

Why in Heaven's name does every STINKIN' co-worker of mine have to mention every person they've ever known in their whole life who just had a baby, or who's baby shower they just went to, or who's baby is so cute, or who just found out they're pregnant, and on and on and on and on....HELLLLOOOOO!!!! Do they not know I JUST HAD a miscarriage?!?!?!?!??!!

*deep breathing*

Now that that's out of my system....it's not that I don't want to hear about babies -- because I am ecstatic when I hear of friends who are pregnant and such. Truly, I am. But to hear of another person who's pregnant -- who I don't even know (and frankly, don't really care about, if I may be completely blunt) -- multiple times a day every day I'm there is a little much. Show some sensitivity, people! :)

Missing you, sweet little one...

Today as I held my sweet 3 month old nephew, I couldn't help but think of our Hopie...and miss her. Later on, I created this:
title="Wordle: Little Hopie"> src="http://www.wordle.net/thumb/wrdl/703317/Little_Hopie"
alt="Wordle: Little Hopie"
style="padding:4px;border:1px solid #ddd">

Check it out and let me know what you think (since I could not for the life of me figure out a way to actually post it on my blog without it being too tiny to read! :P)

I Will Trust You, Lord

I'm sure it's my exhaustion getting the best of me...but I've been missing my Hopie so much tonight. It seems I can't stop the tears from coming...even when nothing is causing them.

I received an email from an old friend today - she lost her daughter to leukemia years ago when she was only 8, so she knows far better than I the deep darkness and pain of grief in losing a child. She shared Psalm 116:15 with me, and it touched a special place in my heart:

"His loved ones are VERY precious to him and he does not lightly let them die."

To know that there is a purpose in death...and that it is not something that the Lord brushes off as another insignificant detail of our lives as humans...or as merely another name on a list of deceased..."He does not lightly let them die." Praise God for that.

She also shared some of the lyrics from an old song by Twila Paris called, "Do I Trust You Lord". I'll share them below, the closing chorus especially expresses where I'm at right now...

Sometimes my little heart can't understand
What's in your will, what's in your plan.
So many times I'm tempted to ask you why
But I can never forget it for long,
Lord what you do could not be wrong
So I believe you even when I must cry,

Do I trust you Lord?
Does the river flow?
Do I trust you Lord?
Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind
And you've got to know I would rather die
Than to lose my faith in the One I love.
Do I trust you Lord?
Do I trust you?

I will trust you, Lord when I don't know why
I will trust you, Lord, til the day I die
I will trust you, Lord when I am blind with pain
You were God before and You'll never change
I will trust you, Lord
I will trust you,
I will trust you, Lord

Bitty post

Phew...I'm exhausted tonight! Had a super long day with work and then filled with music activities in the evening (which is always fun, but a bit draining... :), but I wanted to share a quick prayer request.

I recently began reading MckMama's blog, mainly because it was mentioned both on Bring the Rain and Hope and a Future, two other blogs I read regularly. And I quickly fell in love with her beautiful photographs of her beautiful children and her simple, sweet spirit. Now her baby son is in danger -- he has a racing heartbeat and the doctors are unable to get it to tame down. If you think of it, please pray for them. (Updates can be found on MckMama's blog) I'm sure they would appreciate as many prayer warriors in battle for them as possible.

It's a God-Thing

I've been trying to think of a visual remember of my Hopie to have around the house or in our yard or something. My sister-in-law got me started by giving me a small gold pin with a pair of baby's feet on it, the size they would be at 10 weeks gestation, and I've pinned it on to my purse. It's such a sweet reminder...but I still want something more. I've got a few ideas mulling around in my head...so feel free to offer any suggestions!

Anywho, the reason I mentioned that is because last night I was thinking of Hopie just before heading to bed. As I went to take my last swig of water before heading upstairs, my gaze fell on a magnet on the corner of my fridge. And I think my eyes probably tripled in size.

It's a magnet I had made at an Uppercase Living party several months ago, just a simple light blue rectangular shape with white polka dotted swirls on it....and the word "Hope". I would have gasped, but then I would have choked, thus making the moment far more dramatic than it needed to be! But it meant so much to me...to realize that the Lord prompted me to choose the word "Hope" out of the collection of other words -- I could have done "love" or "peace" or any other such thing...but I chose Hope. Coincidence? I think not. Looking back, I'm fairly certain I chose that word because of my battle with infertility and hoping so fiercely that the Lord would bless us that month...or maybe the next...or the next...never knowing that "Hope" would carry so much meaning for me later on. I love how the Lord works!

And that's not all...

Once I got upstairs, I was reading my Bible before going to sleep, and was reading Isaiah 25, one of the chapters required for our Bible Study this week.

Now, before I go on, let me mention that I do know the importance of "good hermeneutics"...but I also believe that sometimes the Lord can use passages of Scripture outside of the context it's in to speak to a person individually. Now I'll explain what I mean...

Back to Isaiah 25 -- the first 2 verses speak of praising God because,

"You have worked wonders, plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness. For You have made a city into a heap, a fortified city into a ruin..."

I couldn't help but think of the journey we've been on -- attempting to start a family for a year and a half, the joy and miracle of finding out we were pregnant, and then the overwhelming sorrow of miscarrying. I thought of infertility and miscarriage and how you feel ruined when it's all over. However, each of those events were part of God's plan of perfect faithfulness. Not that God wanted our baby to die or wanted us to go through the tears and searing pain of grief after the agony of waiting so long for a child...but He has seen the end from the beginning, and every step has been an opportunity for Him to show us His perfect faithfulness.

As I read on, I came across verse 8,

"He will swallow up death for all time, and the Lord God will wipe tears away from all faces..."

Thank you Lord that a Day is coming when tears and grief won't be a part of life anymore!

"O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" (I Cor. 15:55)

By this point, I was grinning at how the Lord had spoken to my heart and encouraged me - and yet I kept thinking of how I want to be more bold about our whole experience. I believe that the Lord can really use our story to encourage the hearts of others and also demonstrate His unfailing grace and faithfulness towards us as we cling to Him.

Which brings me to my last thought -- as hermeneutically incorrect as it may be...

As I concluded my Bible reading in II Cor 3 (by the way -- for any of you going through a particularly rough time, I have found II Corinthians to be soooo encouraging and helpful, especially the first 4 chapters. They have sustained me through many "valleys" from high school until now), I was struck by verse 12,

"Therefore, having such a hope, we use great boldness in our speech"

Dude...was God listening to my thoughts just then or what?? I want to use the experience of losing my baby....who "just happened" to be named Hope...as a way to be more bold for the Lord. EXACTLY what vs 8 was saying...in a paraphrased Liz-version.

God Rocks. There's just no way around it.