This song has been on my heart and mind today...
He Will Carry Me
by Mark Schultz
I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more then I can bear
I feel so empty
You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength
that I will ever need
He will carry me
I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength
that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me
through the storm
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength
that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me
He will carry me
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Fixing my gaze
About a month ago, my sis-in-law gave me a little pin like this one, to remind me of my Hopie. I pinned it to the outside pocket of my purse, so I would see it often and be reminded of my little one in Heaven.
Today, I realized it was gone.
I literally felt like all the air in my lungs had been sucked out of me in that moment. And I was at work. Of all places. I haven't really let myself react yet...I forced myself to "forget" about it (if that's even possible) and go on with my work day...put on a happy face. Maybe I can look for it later.
But it sucks. Bad.
I know it's just a pin....and I can find another one and it's no big deal...but just the fact that it even fell off!! It made me so mad! I felt like it was such an attack from Satan....Lately I've been avoiding thinking and even praying much about my precious baby because I don't want to cry...or because I want to cry, but I don't have time to cry. (Who even chooses to make time to cry? Apparently I think I can...) Looking at that pin would often get me through a tough moment when I thought I was going to lose it...or would make me think of Heaven when I was getting caught up in something infuriating at work. As you may have read in this earlier post, I have been looking for something to remind me of Hopie on a daily basis -- but something a little more permanent -- a bench, plant, tree, or piece of jewelry. That pin was tiding me over until we decided on something even better. And now it's gone.
I guess this is just a reminder as to why we are called to
Thank you Jesus, that You know grief's deepest pain and the sorrow of death. You alone give me strength and hope. May my gaze be continually on You...
Today, I realized it was gone.
I literally felt like all the air in my lungs had been sucked out of me in that moment. And I was at work. Of all places. I haven't really let myself react yet...I forced myself to "forget" about it (if that's even possible) and go on with my work day...put on a happy face. Maybe I can look for it later.
But it sucks. Bad.
I know it's just a pin....and I can find another one and it's no big deal...but just the fact that it even fell off!! It made me so mad! I felt like it was such an attack from Satan....Lately I've been avoiding thinking and even praying much about my precious baby because I don't want to cry...or because I want to cry, but I don't have time to cry. (Who even chooses to make time to cry? Apparently I think I can...) Looking at that pin would often get me through a tough moment when I thought I was going to lose it...or would make me think of Heaven when I was getting caught up in something infuriating at work. As you may have read in this earlier post, I have been looking for something to remind me of Hopie on a daily basis -- but something a little more permanent -- a bench, plant, tree, or piece of jewelry. That pin was tiding me over until we decided on something even better. And now it's gone.
I guess this is just a reminder as to why we are called to
"..fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
Hebrews 12:2-3
Thank you Jesus, that You know grief's deepest pain and the sorrow of death. You alone give me strength and hope. May my gaze be continually on You...
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Proud as a Peacock
I've been a bit lax in my posting lately...I have thoughts bumping around in my head that I want to share, but I need to get them organized first!
However, to provide some kind of blog fodder, I will say that I was SO PROUD of my husband last night...really and truly proud. He was in the process of making a Bible Pictionary based on the chapters we've been studying out of Isaiah for Bible Study. He has spent HOURS choosing words, deciding on whether or not to make pictionary cards or not, and finalizing the layout (after accidentally deleting his entire project in Word -- he had to get creative with the pages he had printed out and make it work! Yet another reason I was proud of him. :) ). Last night, while cutting out the cards and atempting to laminate them in our handy dandy little laminater, the page got stuck. And I mean STUCK. No pulling or prodding could loosen the little bugger.
Now, if I had been in that situation, I would have been raving mad. I guess it's the red-headed temper in me. I would have been yelling and stomping and declaring how dumb this whole idea was anyway and WHY did I ever waste so much time on this...no one will even appreciate it...yada yada yada. But you know what he did? He remained calm. The ENTIRE time. Hardly even complained or banged things around. In fact, he even FIXED the darn thing.
I was amazed. I told him how proud I was of him...but I don't think he came even close to understanding how much my heart welled up with love and pride for him in that moment...so I thought I'd share it with all of you, so you can be proud too!
(I had wanted to share photographic evidence...but my lovey isn't too keen on that sort of thing. Although I think I could have gotten away with it...but I didn't want to irritate him -- especially after all that he'd gone through!!)
However, to provide some kind of blog fodder, I will say that I was SO PROUD of my husband last night...really and truly proud. He was in the process of making a Bible Pictionary based on the chapters we've been studying out of Isaiah for Bible Study. He has spent HOURS choosing words, deciding on whether or not to make pictionary cards or not, and finalizing the layout (after accidentally deleting his entire project in Word -- he had to get creative with the pages he had printed out and make it work! Yet another reason I was proud of him. :) ). Last night, while cutting out the cards and atempting to laminate them in our handy dandy little laminater, the page got stuck. And I mean STUCK. No pulling or prodding could loosen the little bugger.
Now, if I had been in that situation, I would have been raving mad. I guess it's the red-headed temper in me. I would have been yelling and stomping and declaring how dumb this whole idea was anyway and WHY did I ever waste so much time on this...no one will even appreciate it...yada yada yada. But you know what he did? He remained calm. The ENTIRE time. Hardly even complained or banged things around. In fact, he even FIXED the darn thing.
I was amazed. I told him how proud I was of him...but I don't think he came even close to understanding how much my heart welled up with love and pride for him in that moment...so I thought I'd share it with all of you, so you can be proud too!
(I had wanted to share photographic evidence...but my lovey isn't too keen on that sort of thing. Although I think I could have gotten away with it...but I didn't want to irritate him -- especially after all that he'd gone through!!)
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Bi-Polar post...
*** WARNING: this post has two drastically different emotional sides to it. Consider yourself forewarned...***
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The Happy Half:
Last week was my stupid week. Seriously. And I don't mean it in a negative way...but rather to poke fun at myself, because life has been a little too "down" lately. To start out the week, I practiced with seven men from my church on "All Hail the Power of Jesus' Name" that they're going to be singing for Easter Sunday. I've never "directed" this type of thing before, so it's all been new to me, and I've had a tendency to be a bit flighty about it all. But Monday took the cake as I desperately tried to convince the tenors to sing the baritone part. Even telling them, "No, no, no...you don't go up there! You stay the same! See? ..." To my credit, they didn't notice either until we got 3/4 through the song...at which point I slapped myself on the forehead (literally) and said "DUUUHHHH!!! I'm playing the baritone part!!! Not the tenor!!!! Ahh! Sorry guys!!"
Good thing they're forgiving!
My second moment of stupidity also happened Monday night. I got home (from the men's vocal practice) exhausted, as I had worked all day and accompanied for a solo recital at the high school and worked with the men's group. Needless to say, I wasn't exactly paying attention and all I wanted to do was go to bed. Joe had already left for work, so I stumbled in the back door, checked my email, and climbed into bed. The next morning, I heard Joe come upstairs and thought I'd just keep my eyes closed and try to fall back asleep, hoping he wouldn't turn on the light. Unfortunately, he turned on the hall light, and I groaned and squinted at him, to which he said,
"So you are alive."
I figured he said that because I look half-dead right when I wake up in the morning, so I laughed sleepily, brushing it off. Then he crouched down to be right at eye-level with me and said seriously,
"Did you know you left your keys in the back door all night?"
*blink*blink*
Needless to say, my heart skipped a few beats, and then I understood why he had asked if I was alive....for all he knew, a burglar could have broken in and murdered me in my sleep! And I'm the one who's always freaked out about intruders breaking in...seriously...
Which brings me to my third stupid moment. A few days after the first 2 stupid-incidents, we decided to have pizza for dinner. DiGiorno, which is, in Joe's words, "the BEST frozen pizza EVER". (And he would know!) So I got it out and ready -- it was a bizzare kind, pepperoni with sun-dried peppers or something like that, and I didn't think I'd like it, but I thought -- Joe loves DiGiorno pizza, I'll make it for his sake. I know he'll eat it. So I opened the package and popped it in the pizza oven without a second thought.
10 minutes later, when I went to pull it out, I gasped, and then started giggling uncontrollably. I had left the cardboard circle on the bottom of the pizza when I put it in the pizza oven.
Let's just say I was testing our smoke alarms. And our fire safety knowledge. And our house insurance policy.
Yikes.
After Joe got done scolding me, and I apologized profusely, and he scolded me some more, and we had to bake the pizza all over again (because the bottom crust wasn't done AT ALL), and Joe scolded me again and the pizza came out mostly BLACK....I learned my lesson. I'll never do that again!!
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The Pessimistic Part: (and I'll keep it brief)
Why in Heaven's name does every STINKIN' co-worker of mine have to mention every person they've ever known in their whole life who just had a baby, or who's baby shower they just went to, or who's baby is so cute, or who just found out they're pregnant, and on and on and on and on....HELLLLOOOOO!!!! Do they not know I JUST HAD a miscarriage?!?!?!?!??!!
*deep breathing*
Now that that's out of my system....it's not that I don't want to hear about babies -- because I am ecstatic when I hear of friends who are pregnant and such. Truly, I am. But to hear of another person who's pregnant -- who I don't even know (and frankly, don't really care about, if I may be completely blunt) -- multiple times a day every day I'm there is a little much. Show some sensitivity, people! :)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Happy Half:
Last week was my stupid week. Seriously. And I don't mean it in a negative way...but rather to poke fun at myself, because life has been a little too "down" lately. To start out the week, I practiced with seven men from my church on "All Hail the Power of Jesus' Name" that they're going to be singing for Easter Sunday. I've never "directed" this type of thing before, so it's all been new to me, and I've had a tendency to be a bit flighty about it all. But Monday took the cake as I desperately tried to convince the tenors to sing the baritone part. Even telling them, "No, no, no...you don't go up there! You stay the same! See? ..." To my credit, they didn't notice either until we got 3/4 through the song...at which point I slapped myself on the forehead (literally) and said "DUUUHHHH!!! I'm playing the baritone part!!! Not the tenor!!!! Ahh! Sorry guys!!"
Good thing they're forgiving!
My second moment of stupidity also happened Monday night. I got home (from the men's vocal practice) exhausted, as I had worked all day and accompanied for a solo recital at the high school and worked with the men's group. Needless to say, I wasn't exactly paying attention and all I wanted to do was go to bed. Joe had already left for work, so I stumbled in the back door, checked my email, and climbed into bed. The next morning, I heard Joe come upstairs and thought I'd just keep my eyes closed and try to fall back asleep, hoping he wouldn't turn on the light. Unfortunately, he turned on the hall light, and I groaned and squinted at him, to which he said,
"So you are alive."
I figured he said that because I look half-dead right when I wake up in the morning, so I laughed sleepily, brushing it off. Then he crouched down to be right at eye-level with me and said seriously,
"Did you know you left your keys in the back door all night?"
*blink*blink*
Needless to say, my heart skipped a few beats, and then I understood why he had asked if I was alive....for all he knew, a burglar could have broken in and murdered me in my sleep! And I'm the one who's always freaked out about intruders breaking in...seriously...
Which brings me to my third stupid moment. A few days after the first 2 stupid-incidents, we decided to have pizza for dinner. DiGiorno, which is, in Joe's words, "the BEST frozen pizza EVER". (And he would know!) So I got it out and ready -- it was a bizzare kind, pepperoni with sun-dried peppers or something like that, and I didn't think I'd like it, but I thought -- Joe loves DiGiorno pizza, I'll make it for his sake. I know he'll eat it. So I opened the package and popped it in the pizza oven without a second thought.
10 minutes later, when I went to pull it out, I gasped, and then started giggling uncontrollably. I had left the cardboard circle on the bottom of the pizza when I put it in the pizza oven.
Let's just say I was testing our smoke alarms. And our fire safety knowledge. And our house insurance policy.
Yikes.
After Joe got done scolding me, and I apologized profusely, and he scolded me some more, and we had to bake the pizza all over again (because the bottom crust wasn't done AT ALL), and Joe scolded me again and the pizza came out mostly BLACK....I learned my lesson. I'll never do that again!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pessimistic Part: (and I'll keep it brief)
Why in Heaven's name does every STINKIN' co-worker of mine have to mention every person they've ever known in their whole life who just had a baby, or who's baby shower they just went to, or who's baby is so cute, or who just found out they're pregnant, and on and on and on and on....HELLLLOOOOO!!!! Do they not know I JUST HAD a miscarriage?!?!?!?!??!!
*deep breathing*
Now that that's out of my system....it's not that I don't want to hear about babies -- because I am ecstatic when I hear of friends who are pregnant and such. Truly, I am. But to hear of another person who's pregnant -- who I don't even know (and frankly, don't really care about, if I may be completely blunt) -- multiple times a day every day I'm there is a little much. Show some sensitivity, people! :)
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Missing you, sweet little one...
Today as I held my sweet 3 month old nephew, I couldn't help but think of our Hopie...and miss her. Later on, I created this:
title="Wordle: Little Hopie">
alt="Wordle: Little Hopie"
style="padding:4px;border:1px solid #ddd">
Check it out and let me know what you think (since I could not for the life of me figure out a way to actually post it on my blog without it being too tiny to read! :P)
title="Wordle: Little Hopie">
alt="Wordle: Little Hopie"
style="padding:4px;border:1px solid #ddd">
Check it out and let me know what you think (since I could not for the life of me figure out a way to actually post it on my blog without it being too tiny to read! :P)
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