Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Fixing my gaze

About a month ago, my sis-in-law gave me a little pin like this one, to remind me of my Hopie. I pinned it to the outside pocket of my purse, so I would see it often and be reminded of my little one in Heaven.

Today, I realized it was gone.

I literally felt like all the air in my lungs had been sucked out of me in that moment. And I was at work. Of all places. I haven't really let myself react yet...I forced myself to "forget" about it (if that's even possible) and go on with my work day...put on a happy face. Maybe I can look for it later.

But it sucks. Bad.

I know it's just a pin....and I can find another one and it's no big deal...but just the fact that it even fell off!! It made me so mad! I felt like it was such an attack from Satan....Lately I've been avoiding thinking and even praying much about my precious baby because I don't want to cry...or because I want to cry, but I don't have time to cry. (Who even chooses to make time to cry? Apparently I think I can...) Looking at that pin would often get me through a tough moment when I thought I was going to lose it...or would make me think of Heaven when I was getting caught up in something infuriating at work. As you may have read in this earlier post, I have been looking for something to remind me of Hopie on a daily basis -- but something a little more permanent -- a bench, plant, tree, or piece of jewelry. That pin was tiding me over until we decided on something even better. And now it's gone.

I guess this is just a reminder as to why we are called to
"..fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
Hebrews 12:2-3

Thank you Jesus, that You know grief's deepest pain and the sorrow of death. You alone give me strength and hope. May my gaze be continually on You...


joy! said...

Just found your blog and I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm asking the Lord to give you a word from His Word -- that can be pinned on your heart and never lost.

I'm so familiar with your pain. And, I can testify to His unfailing love and kindness.

Charity said...

Aw, sweet Liz, I'm so sorry.
I know that must be so hard.
Praying for you.