"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him..."

The title of this post is from Job 13:15, and has been my close companion for the last 2 weeks, as well as numerous Psalms.

Most of you know why I say this, but for those of you who don't have a clue, on Feb. 18th, 3 days after my last post, we heard my Doctor tell us that our little precious one doesn't have a heartbeat anymore.

Needless to say, it's been a rough 2 weeks.

But the Lord is always faithful...and even though I don't understand His ways or why I have to go through this sorrow after waiting so long to get pregnant...I know that He is God. And I know that all that God does is characterized by His love, mercy, faithfulness, sovereignty, grace, and so much more, though it may not seem like it at the time.

Joe and I believe that our precious child would have been a girl, and chose the name "Faith Hope" for our little one...literally describing where we are at right now -- choosing to trust and have faith in our all-powerful God through each dark valley and foggy corner; and rejoicing in hope that we will see our little one in Heaven someday, and that the Lord will also bless us with more children in the future. "Rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation..." (Rom. 12:12)

I normally use my blog as a way to share about light-hearted happenings in my life, or the trivial mundane moments we all deal with, or significant milestones. But for a while - and maybe from now on - I am going to share a little more of my soul. Life is joyful and full of surprises, yes, but there is sorrow and pain too. And I believe part of what makes my life as a Christ-follower so important is the ability to accept both with grace and contentment. It's easy to be joyful and content when circumstances go as I wish them to, and life is lived gloriously on the mountaintops. But it's more of a challenge -- and reveals more character -- when I am joyful and content even in the darkest valleys, or when fog keeps me from seeing what step I should take next. That's when the rubber meets the road, and my faith becomes reality. I want to be able to say as the Apostle Paul said, "...I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am." (Phil. 4:11)

Okay, enough rambling. I'll leave you with a poem that my Mom gave my Aunt Lesia when she lost her firstborn son, and she passed on to me. And I am so grateful for it...

Baby Tears
We cried tears when we learned that a child would be,
That your God had allowed you to quicken in me.
We cried tears with our loved ones as they shared our joy,
And we thought about names for a girl or a boy.
I cried tears as I thought of the things that we would do,
All the things that your Daddy would pass on to you.
And I cried as I thought of each inch you had grown,
As I pondered the day that you'd make yourself known.
Then, to think of the world you must enter brought tears.
Once again, little loved one, your Mother cried tears.

Something's wrong, I can tell - once again there are tears,
And I'll not get the chance of your love through the years.
Oh the ache and the sorrow and all of the pain,
And again, yes again, my tears fell like rain.
Then His peace comes to me as I think of you there,
Gently rocking with FATHER in His favorite chair.
Your sweet little fingers clenched tight in His palm,
And His SON softly singing to help keep you calm.
Our FATHER knew your days before they came to be,
And He knew, little one, you would not stay with me.

So, I cry but I know that when this life is done,
I will greet and embrace you my sweet little one.
There's a time to be born and a time to die,
And the joy and the sorrow both make us cry!
--Conni Johnson--