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Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Doing what God wants

Tonight, Joe and I watched "Julie & Julia", a really sweet movie about Julia Child. At one point in the movie, Julia Child receives a letter from her sister, who has just found out that she's pregnant. Though Julia tries to stay strong, she breaks down into tears over the unfairness of it all as her husband holds her in his arms. She exclaims, "I'm so happy for her!" yet her body shakes with sobs.

I couldn't help but know exactly how that felt. In fact, as Joe glanced at me to make sure I was doing ok, I looked back at him and said, "I know how that feels. It sucks."

Have I mentioned that both of my sister-in-law's are pregnant?

Well, you can imagine that I reacted the exact same way as Julia did.

It has now been 2 1/2 years since we went off of birth control and began to actually try to have a family. One miscarriage later, we're still waiting. And though it's painful and "sucks", I don't expect the world to stop turning just because I can't have the baby I so desperately long for. People will continue to get pregnant. People will continue to have babies. Lots of them. And that's ok. This is where God has me, and it's His perfect plan for me.

Joe and I recently began reading the book "Just Do Something" by Kevin DeYoung. It has been challenging my perception of God's will, and reaffirming the fact that all of the things that have happened in the last year have had a purpose.

As Kevin talked about I Thessalonians 4:3 ("For this is the will of God, your sanctification."), I began to feel joy creep into my heart. Here's what he wrote:
"He [God] wants you to buy a house that will make you holy. If you marry, He wants you to get married so you can be holy. He wants you to have a job that will help you grow in holiness. Count on it: God's will is always your sanctification. He has set you and me apart that we would grow to be more like Christ." (emphasis mine)
What a relief! Though I've never thought of God as some sort of sadistic entity, seeking to cause me pain on a daily basis, I have at times wondered what in the world God is doing. Why is he preventing me from getting pregnant? What is the point of my unexplained infertility? Why is He allowing everyone else to get pregnant all around me? Why did he take away the one child I did get pregnant with? Why, why, why???

Because He longs to make me loving, pure, and humble like Christ. In a word, he wants me to be holy.

During the movie, a friend of mine called, wanting to make sure I was doing ok since she had heard about both of my SIL's being pregnant. She too is struggling with over a year's worth of infertility and all the different stages of grief that you go through. At one point in the conversation she commented, "Well, maybe we'll always be childless spinsters...but at least we'll be doing what God wants." I was struck by her faith in a dark time. I don't know that I could have honestly said that a year ago. But it's true - God's plan is so much better for us than our own.

And I'm eager to live it.

1 comment:

Tony and Lisa said...

I'm so proud of you. God is working and the outcome will be glorious!! May we rejoice in His goodness and grace!
I love you,