Bi-Polar post...

*** WARNING: this post has two drastically different emotional sides to it. Consider yourself forewarned...***

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The Happy Half:

Last week was my stupid week. Seriously. And I don't mean it in a negative way...but rather to poke fun at myself, because life has been a little too "down" lately. To start out the week, I practiced with seven men from my church on "All Hail the Power of Jesus' Name" that they're going to be singing for Easter Sunday. I've never "directed" this type of thing before, so it's all been new to me, and I've had a tendency to be a bit flighty about it all. But Monday took the cake as I desperately tried to convince the tenors to sing the baritone part. Even telling them, "No, no, no...you don't go up there! You stay the same! See? ..." To my credit, they didn't notice either until we got 3/4 through the song...at which point I slapped myself on the forehead (literally) and said "DUUUHHHH!!! I'm playing the baritone part!!! Not the tenor!!!! Ahh! Sorry guys!!"

Good thing they're forgiving!

My second moment of stupidity also happened Monday night. I got home (from the men's vocal practice) exhausted, as I had worked all day and accompanied for a solo recital at the high school and worked with the men's group. Needless to say, I wasn't exactly paying attention and all I wanted to do was go to bed. Joe had already left for work, so I stumbled in the back door, checked my email, and climbed into bed. The next morning, I heard Joe come upstairs and thought I'd just keep my eyes closed and try to fall back asleep, hoping he wouldn't turn on the light. Unfortunately, he turned on the hall light, and I groaned and squinted at him, to which he said,

"So you are alive."

I figured he said that because I look half-dead right when I wake up in the morning, so I laughed sleepily, brushing it off. Then he crouched down to be right at eye-level with me and said seriously,

"Did you know you left your keys in the back door all night?"

*blink*blink*

Needless to say, my heart skipped a few beats, and then I understood why he had asked if I was alive....for all he knew, a burglar could have broken in and murdered me in my sleep! And I'm the one who's always freaked out about intruders breaking in...seriously...

Which brings me to my third stupid moment. A few days after the first 2 stupid-incidents, we decided to have pizza for dinner. DiGiorno, which is, in Joe's words, "the BEST frozen pizza EVER". (And he would know!) So I got it out and ready -- it was a bizzare kind, pepperoni with sun-dried peppers or something like that, and I didn't think I'd like it, but I thought -- Joe loves DiGiorno pizza, I'll make it for his sake. I know he'll eat it. So I opened the package and popped it in the pizza oven without a second thought.

10 minutes later, when I went to pull it out, I gasped, and then started giggling uncontrollably. I had left the cardboard circle on the bottom of the pizza when I put it in the pizza oven.

Let's just say I was testing our smoke alarms. And our fire safety knowledge. And our house insurance policy.

Yikes.

After Joe got done scolding me, and I apologized profusely, and he scolded me some more, and we had to bake the pizza all over again (because the bottom crust wasn't done AT ALL), and Joe scolded me again and the pizza came out mostly BLACK....I learned my lesson. I'll never do that again!!

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The Pessimistic Part: (and I'll keep it brief)

Why in Heaven's name does every STINKIN' co-worker of mine have to mention every person they've ever known in their whole life who just had a baby, or who's baby shower they just went to, or who's baby is so cute, or who just found out they're pregnant, and on and on and on and on....HELLLLOOOOO!!!! Do they not know I JUST HAD a miscarriage?!?!?!?!??!!

*deep breathing*

Now that that's out of my system....it's not that I don't want to hear about babies -- because I am ecstatic when I hear of friends who are pregnant and such. Truly, I am. But to hear of another person who's pregnant -- who I don't even know (and frankly, don't really care about, if I may be completely blunt) -- multiple times a day every day I'm there is a little much. Show some sensitivity, people! :)

Missing you, sweet little one...

Today as I held my sweet 3 month old nephew, I couldn't help but think of our Hopie...and miss her. Later on, I created this:
title="Wordle: Little Hopie"> src="http://www.wordle.net/thumb/wrdl/703317/Little_Hopie"
alt="Wordle: Little Hopie"
style="padding:4px;border:1px solid #ddd">

Check it out and let me know what you think (since I could not for the life of me figure out a way to actually post it on my blog without it being too tiny to read! :P)

I Will Trust You, Lord

I'm sure it's my exhaustion getting the best of me...but I've been missing my Hopie so much tonight. It seems I can't stop the tears from coming...even when nothing is causing them.

I received an email from an old friend today - she lost her daughter to leukemia years ago when she was only 8, so she knows far better than I the deep darkness and pain of grief in losing a child. She shared Psalm 116:15 with me, and it touched a special place in my heart:

"His loved ones are VERY precious to him and he does not lightly let them die."

To know that there is a purpose in death...and that it is not something that the Lord brushes off as another insignificant detail of our lives as humans...or as merely another name on a list of deceased..."He does not lightly let them die." Praise God for that.

She also shared some of the lyrics from an old song by Twila Paris called, "Do I Trust You Lord". I'll share them below, the closing chorus especially expresses where I'm at right now...

Sometimes my little heart can't understand
What's in your will, what's in your plan.
So many times I'm tempted to ask you why
But I can never forget it for long,
Lord what you do could not be wrong
So I believe you even when I must cry,

Do I trust you Lord?
Does the river flow?
Do I trust you Lord?
Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart, You can read my mind
And you've got to know I would rather die
Than to lose my faith in the One I love.
Do I trust you Lord?
Do I trust you?

I will trust you, Lord when I don't know why
I will trust you, Lord, til the day I die
I will trust you, Lord when I am blind with pain
You were God before and You'll never change
I will trust you, Lord
I will trust you,
I will trust you, Lord

Bitty post

Phew...I'm exhausted tonight! Had a super long day with work and then filled with music activities in the evening (which is always fun, but a bit draining... :), but I wanted to share a quick prayer request.

I recently began reading MckMama's blog, mainly because it was mentioned both on Bring the Rain and Hope and a Future, two other blogs I read regularly. And I quickly fell in love with her beautiful photographs of her beautiful children and her simple, sweet spirit. Now her baby son is in danger -- he has a racing heartbeat and the doctors are unable to get it to tame down. If you think of it, please pray for them. (Updates can be found on MckMama's blog) I'm sure they would appreciate as many prayer warriors in battle for them as possible.

It's a God-Thing

I've been trying to think of a visual remember of my Hopie to have around the house or in our yard or something. My sister-in-law got me started by giving me a small gold pin with a pair of baby's feet on it, the size they would be at 10 weeks gestation, and I've pinned it on to my purse. It's such a sweet reminder...but I still want something more. I've got a few ideas mulling around in my head...so feel free to offer any suggestions!

Anywho, the reason I mentioned that is because last night I was thinking of Hopie just before heading to bed. As I went to take my last swig of water before heading upstairs, my gaze fell on a magnet on the corner of my fridge. And I think my eyes probably tripled in size.

It's a magnet I had made at an Uppercase Living party several months ago, just a simple light blue rectangular shape with white polka dotted swirls on it....and the word "Hope". I would have gasped, but then I would have choked, thus making the moment far more dramatic than it needed to be! But it meant so much to me...to realize that the Lord prompted me to choose the word "Hope" out of the collection of other words -- I could have done "love" or "peace" or any other such thing...but I chose Hope. Coincidence? I think not. Looking back, I'm fairly certain I chose that word because of my battle with infertility and hoping so fiercely that the Lord would bless us that month...or maybe the next...or the next...never knowing that "Hope" would carry so much meaning for me later on. I love how the Lord works!

And that's not all...

Once I got upstairs, I was reading my Bible before going to sleep, and was reading Isaiah 25, one of the chapters required for our Bible Study this week.

Now, before I go on, let me mention that I do know the importance of "good hermeneutics"...but I also believe that sometimes the Lord can use passages of Scripture outside of the context it's in to speak to a person individually. Now I'll explain what I mean...

Back to Isaiah 25 -- the first 2 verses speak of praising God because,

"You have worked wonders, plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness. For You have made a city into a heap, a fortified city into a ruin..."

I couldn't help but think of the journey we've been on -- attempting to start a family for a year and a half, the joy and miracle of finding out we were pregnant, and then the overwhelming sorrow of miscarrying. I thought of infertility and miscarriage and how you feel ruined when it's all over. However, each of those events were part of God's plan of perfect faithfulness. Not that God wanted our baby to die or wanted us to go through the tears and searing pain of grief after the agony of waiting so long for a child...but He has seen the end from the beginning, and every step has been an opportunity for Him to show us His perfect faithfulness.

As I read on, I came across verse 8,

"He will swallow up death for all time, and the Lord God will wipe tears away from all faces..."

Thank you Lord that a Day is coming when tears and grief won't be a part of life anymore!

"O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" (I Cor. 15:55)

By this point, I was grinning at how the Lord had spoken to my heart and encouraged me - and yet I kept thinking of how I want to be more bold about our whole experience. I believe that the Lord can really use our story to encourage the hearts of others and also demonstrate His unfailing grace and faithfulness towards us as we cling to Him.

Which brings me to my last thought -- as hermeneutically incorrect as it may be...

As I concluded my Bible reading in II Cor 3 (by the way -- for any of you going through a particularly rough time, I have found II Corinthians to be soooo encouraging and helpful, especially the first 4 chapters. They have sustained me through many "valleys" from high school until now), I was struck by verse 12,

"Therefore, having such a hope, we use great boldness in our speech"

Dude...was God listening to my thoughts just then or what?? I want to use the experience of losing my baby....who "just happened" to be named Hope...as a way to be more bold for the Lord. EXACTLY what vs 8 was saying...in a paraphrased Liz-version.

God Rocks. There's just no way around it.

A Rose: The Price of Purpose

I've been reading the book "Digging Ditches" by Helen Roseveare recently, and was impacted by a couple of her thoughts in one of the chapters.

For those of you who have never heard of Helen Roseveare, she is a former missionary to the Congo of Africa, and underwent many challenges while there. "Digging Ditches" was written about her time after she left the Congo (for medical reasons) and finding her purpose again in normal, mundane, everyday activities.

Anywho. On to the point...

In order to illustrate a lesson on the price of our purpose in Christ, she took a single stemmed rose and stripped it to create an arrow. She began by plucking off all of it's beautiful petals and leaves. Though they were good things, and essential to the life of the rose, they would be a hindrance in its new function as an arrow. She then cut off the thorns and side branches - these would cause instability in the balance of the arrow. Then, taking the bare stem, she whittled away the bark, the very bark that protected the flower from rain and sun...but once whittled away, left the shaft polished and smooth and useful as an arrow.

The questions posed as she did this were(and I paraphrase): Am I willing to allow God to strip me of even the good things in my life (the petals and leaves), if that will make me into an instrument for His service? Even my marriage, my little Hopie (as I call Faith Hope), and my general happiness? Am I willing to let God strip me of my "rights" (the branches) -- my right to choose my husband, choose where I work, choose when I try to get pregnant, and have a cozy home and a happy life -- if that's what it takes to "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles"? Am I willing to be stripped naked of myself (the bark) and the essence of who I am and what my plans are for my life in order to be wholly identified with Him and available for His purpose?

Wow.

I found myself weeping as I read through her illustration...once again reminded that it's not about ME. Even though I think that losing my little Hopie sucks (and it does), and it's not fair and why me and why doesn't God just wipe all this pain and despair away? But it's not about ME. It's about HIM. Not that that trivializes or minimizes the pain and sorrow I'm going through...but it does give me HOPE.

There IS a PURPOSE in this sorrow...

"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him..."

The title of this post is from Job 13:15, and has been my close companion for the last 2 weeks, as well as numerous Psalms.

Most of you know why I say this, but for those of you who don't have a clue, on Feb. 18th, 3 days after my last post, we heard my Doctor tell us that our little precious one doesn't have a heartbeat anymore.

Needless to say, it's been a rough 2 weeks.

But the Lord is always faithful...and even though I don't understand His ways or why I have to go through this sorrow after waiting so long to get pregnant...I know that He is God. And I know that all that God does is characterized by His love, mercy, faithfulness, sovereignty, grace, and so much more, though it may not seem like it at the time.

Joe and I believe that our precious child would have been a girl, and chose the name "Faith Hope" for our little one...literally describing where we are at right now -- choosing to trust and have faith in our all-powerful God through each dark valley and foggy corner; and rejoicing in hope that we will see our little one in Heaven someday, and that the Lord will also bless us with more children in the future. "Rejoicing in hope, persevering in tribulation..." (Rom. 12:12)

I normally use my blog as a way to share about light-hearted happenings in my life, or the trivial mundane moments we all deal with, or significant milestones. But for a while - and maybe from now on - I am going to share a little more of my soul. Life is joyful and full of surprises, yes, but there is sorrow and pain too. And I believe part of what makes my life as a Christ-follower so important is the ability to accept both with grace and contentment. It's easy to be joyful and content when circumstances go as I wish them to, and life is lived gloriously on the mountaintops. But it's more of a challenge -- and reveals more character -- when I am joyful and content even in the darkest valleys, or when fog keeps me from seeing what step I should take next. That's when the rubber meets the road, and my faith becomes reality. I want to be able to say as the Apostle Paul said, "...I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am." (Phil. 4:11)

Okay, enough rambling. I'll leave you with a poem that my Mom gave my Aunt Lesia when she lost her firstborn son, and she passed on to me. And I am so grateful for it...

Baby Tears
We cried tears when we learned that a child would be,
That your God had allowed you to quicken in me.
We cried tears with our loved ones as they shared our joy,
And we thought about names for a girl or a boy.
I cried tears as I thought of the things that we would do,
All the things that your Daddy would pass on to you.
And I cried as I thought of each inch you had grown,
As I pondered the day that you'd make yourself known.
Then, to think of the world you must enter brought tears.
Once again, little loved one, your Mother cried tears.

Something's wrong, I can tell - once again there are tears,
And I'll not get the chance of your love through the years.
Oh the ache and the sorrow and all of the pain,
And again, yes again, my tears fell like rain.
Then His peace comes to me as I think of you there,
Gently rocking with FATHER in His favorite chair.
Your sweet little fingers clenched tight in His palm,
And His SON softly singing to help keep you calm.
Our FATHER knew your days before they came to be,
And He knew, little one, you would not stay with me.

So, I cry but I know that when this life is done,
I will greet and embrace you my sweet little one.
There's a time to be born and a time to die,
And the joy and the sorrow both make us cry!
--Conni Johnson--