February 17th

Here are the facts:

Today the LSS attorney went to court, as planned originally. While there, Juan's translator phoned in for him and spoke to the judge/attorney, voicing that Juan wanted to change his mind. However, when the judge/attorney asked to speak to Juan, the translator refused to give him the phone, leading the judge to believe that Juan may not have been with the translator when he called, or may not have known what the translator was even saying. The judge was not impressed, and told the translator that Juan would need to be present in court at the next hearing if he wanted to exercise his parental rights. The new court date is now set for March 10th, 3 weeks away.

Carrie told me that it's good news and bad news. Good news because Juan did not make a good impression on the judge, and now the stakes are set higher for him. Bad news because the judge did not request the paternity test yet, so if Juan does show on March 10th, then we would have to wait again for him to do the paternity test and have another hearing.

As far as Heather is concerned she might be released as soon as tomorrow, but she is still not in stable condition. Please continue to pray for her. Once she is released, Carrie will be meeting with her and letting her know about Juan wanting to claim his parental rights (as she has had no idea up to this point since she was in the hospital when he spoke up). The hope is that she will be able to be present in court on March 10th to terminate her parental rights. We may meet with her in the next 3 weeks also, if it would be beneficial for her to spend some time with us again before the hearing. We'll see how that goes.

Those are the facts.

But this is how I'm feeling:

Today was the day I was supposed to bring my baby home. I had images of us loading Lydia and all her stuff into our vehicle with unexpressible joy in our hearts. I pictured us arriving home and celebrating with our families, and giving Lydia lots of cuddles and kisses before putting her to bed. I looked forward to being done with work and just having it be me and my little girl in the coming weeks ahead.

But none of that happened today.

And it's ripping my heart out.

I know that God has a plan. He has always been faithful to me in the past, and I know that He will be in the future, but right now all I can feel is pain and uncertainty and the unbearable burden of having to WAIT once again. I don't know if I can take it. Knowing that for the next three weeks we will still have absolutely no idea if Lydia will be coming home with us or not. And that there's still the possibility of having to wait AGAIN after March 10th is enough to make me go crazy!

I don't understand how God works. And I don't think I'm supposed to. But it's hard for me to not ask Him why He's doing it this way.

You may have heard the saying, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle!" And I vehemently disagree with that statement. I think the point is that God does give us more than we can handle...so that we rely on Him!! Why would God give us something that we can handle?? How would we grow? In what ways would our faith be tested to be strong and unyielding if we could "handle" the trials we face? GOD wants to handle my problems for me - and I have definitely reached the end of my strength and ability to deal with this emotional rollercoaster that we're on.

I trust HIM. He will deal with my problems in the perfect way! All I have to do is follow Him and trust Him...even though it usually means walking forward blindly by faith.

Over the past few days I have read the book "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman. It tells the story of her marriage to contemporary Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman and how they dealt with the tragic death of their 5 year old daughter 2 years ago. Though her story is very different from mine, she too had to go through the process of letting go of her plans, and allowing God to work out His unique plan for their lives.

Right now, I feel like God is holding my wrist, as I clench my fist in front of Him. He's looking me in the eyes and asking, "Do you trust Me? Do you trust Me to take care of what you're clutching in your hand? Do you trust Me to fulfill the desires of your heart?" And slowly, He pries my fingers open, one by one, and holds onto that very thing I desire most, until the time is right for me to have it.

I don't like it. I'll be honest. But His way is the best way. He is indeed, Faithful.

Here's a link to a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that resonated with my heart today. Enjoy!