...Wait...

Today I received a book in the mail from a friend of ours (Thank you, Karen!!) entitled, "Wait: A Journey to Discovering the Heart of God". It had a poem inside that was exactly what I needed to hear today! I fear I've been grumbling and complaining in my heart a little too much about the amount of waiting I've had to do lately, and this kind of put me in my place. :) I copied it here so that it could be an encouragement to others. Enjoy!

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.

I pled and wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"
Is Your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming Your Word.
My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to Wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no', to which I'll resign.
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
And He tenderly said "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
You'd never know should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

So be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know Me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still...'Wait'."
~Russell Kelfer

Keeping My Chin Up

Unfortunately, I don't have any exciting updates or news to share today. As far as I know, Heather still has not been released from the hospital. And the birth father has not been in touch with any one since his last call to the court on the 17th - which, from what my social worker's say, is a good thing. Perhaps he won't show next Thursday at the hearing, which would be really great for us!

I've had several people ask me if Heather can be represented at the next hearing. The answer is, unfortunately, no. At this point, she is not stable enough to talk with a guardian ad litem or other representative and communicate to them her adoption choice. Therefore, she can't really be represented. So....unless she stabilizes soon the court date will more than likely be postponed....again. Laura (our social worker) told me that court systems try to be timely in any situation that involves children, so this won't be dragged on indefinitely...it's just questionable as to how long it will last and what the end result will be.

Obviously, this has been quite disappointing to me. I've gone through just about every emotion in the book in the last 2 weeks: outrage, grief, jealousy, indignation, desperation, hopelessness, frustration, wanting to quit, hopefulness, patience, anger, impatience, compassion, urgency, irritation, and resignation.

"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.” The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD."                                                      ~Lamentations 3:19-26

And even when all of these things don't make sense and just completely tick me off (!), I'm learning to trust in God's sovereignty, and that He does have a plan - though it's obviously not what I thought it was!!

"Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You do I trust; cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to You." Psalm 143:8 

It really is amazing how the Lord ministers to you at just the right time. On Monday I was feeling downright crabby about everything going on. Kind of having a "poor-me" attitude, and just griping to God about how unfair all of this was. I didn't want to be thankful. And I certainly didn't feel like being joyful! But then, we had our women's Bible study that night. And what was the topic on? Joy. Ironic, isn't it? The following day, I told myself I'd choose to be joyful about this, thanking Him for the way He's working -- even though it sucks. And, to my surprise, the day was actually a little bit happy! He knew just what I needed to hear.

Likewise, I've had two devotionals really speak to me in the past 2 weeks. I've been reading out of L.B. Cowman's devotional book, "Streams in the Desert". It has a short 1-2 page devotional for each day of the year. Here's one that especially encouraged me:

"Have you prayed and prayed, and waited and waited, and still you see no evidence of an answer? Are you tired of seeing no movement? Are you at the point of giving up?Then perhaps you have not waited in the right way, which removes you from the right place - the place where the Lord can meet you.
    'Wait for it patiently' (Rom. 8:25). Patience eliminates worry. The Lord said He would come, and His promise is equal to His presence. Patience eliminates weeping. Why feel sad and discouraged? He knows your needs better than you do, and His purpose in waiting is to receive more glory through it. Patience eliminates self-works. 'The work of God is this: to believe' (John 6:29), and once you believe, you may know all is well. Patience eliminates all want. Perhaps your desire to receive what you want is stronger than your desire for the will of God to be fulfilled.
    Patience eliminates all weakness. Instead of thinking of waiting as being wasted time, realize that God is preparing His resources and strengthening you as well. Patience eliminates all wobbling...God's foundations are steady, and when we have His patience within, we are steady while we wait. Patience yields worship. Sometimes the best part of praiseful waiting is experiencing 'great endurance and patience...joyfully.' (Col. 1:11). While you wait, 'let [all these aspects of] patience have her perfect work' (James 1:4), and you will be greatly enriched.
C.H.P.

And then just yesterday, another page eased my heart:

" 'Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what He has made crooked?' (Ecc. 7:13)
    God often seems to place His children in places of deep difficulty, leading them into a corner from which there is no escape. He creates situations that human judgment, even if consulted, would never allow. Yet the cloudiness of the circumstance itself is used by Him to guide us to the other side. Perhaps this is where you find yourself even now.
    Your situation is filled with uncertainty and is very serious, but it is perfectly right. The reason behind it will more than justify Him who brought you here, for it is a platform from which God will display His almighty grace and power.
    He not only will deliver you but in doing so will impart a lesson that you will never forget. And in days to come, you will return to the truth of it through singing. You will be unable to ever thank God enough for doing exactly what He has done.

We may wait till He explains,
Because we know that Jesus reigns.
It puzzles me; but, Lord, You understandest,
And will one day explain this crooked thing.
Meanwhile, I know that it has worked out Your best--
It's very crookedness taught me to cling.
You have fenced up my ways, made my paths crooked,
To keep my wand'ring eyes fixed on You,
To make me what I was not, humble, patient;
To draw my heart from earthly love to You.
So I will thank and praise You for this puzzle,
And trust where I cannot understand.
Rejoicing You do hold me worth such testing,
I cling the closer to Your guiding hand."
F.E.M.I.


And finally....a passage from Romans that helps me to keep my chin up even when I'm feeling down:

"The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us."                   ~Romans 8:16-18 

I can hope, knowing that I am a daughter of God, and that no matter how awful this trial gets, there will be a glory that surpasses it in the future. Praise the Lord!!

Right now I am:

...wondering when we'll get a call from Lutheran Social Services...

...fighting jealousy towards everyone (literally) who is pregnant...

...so grateful for the $6300 we have received in gifts/grants toward our $8000+ amount that we'll need to finalize our adoption. God is so so good...

...comforted by the realization that so many women in the Bible battled with infertility, or waiting to have a child (such as Sarah, Elizabeth, Michal, Ruth, Noah's wife, and so on)...

...wondering how in the world we're going to make everything "work" in the nursery...

...trusting God for His perfect timing...

...trying to avoid a "poor me" mentality...

...praying that we'll have answers soon.

Waiting to Love

I haven't been posting much on here lately because frankly, there hasn't been much to say. We still have not received any news regarding our adoption process, and sometimes it's difficult to maintain a positive attitude and keep hoping. I called Laura (our social worker) a few weeks ago, hoping that perhaps someone had looked at our portfolio since the last time I called, since we have now been "in the books" for over 4 months. But no one has requested ours yet.

Hearing that put me in a bit of a funk. I was praying for a Christmas miracle, that maybe we would be holding our baby in our arms by Christmas day, which is a mere 3 days away. But I guess that's not in God's plan for right now.

Recently, we received an adoption devotional type book from Show Hope, an adoption organization founded by Steven Curtis Chapman and his family. It couldn't have come at a more perfect time. As I flipped through it, I read the introduction, a few of the intial devotions and some of the fundraising ideas. And then I got to a section entitled, "Lessons from the Wait: Adoptive parents share their experiences and lessons learned from the waiting process". I was intrigued -- could there be something there that would encourage me during this dismal time of waiting? The first entry was written by David and Christine Winters, a couple who had adopted domestically. I'm going to share some of what they had to say below:

    We have two biological daughters but had considered adoption for several years. Finally, we decided to learn and earnestly pray about adopting. A year after our process had begun we received the news that a birthmother had chosen us. They weren't sure of the due date but estimated late April or early May. Of course we were waiting expectantly by mid-April.
    We waited and waited and waited. April passed into May and went on into June with no call. We began to wonder if there was a change of plan, and we became weary of always telling people we had no news. Then on June 10, a Saturday morning, we got the call, loaded the van, and left Missoula, Montana for Seattle. We drove all day, got to the hospital, walked into a room, and they handed us our son. It all happened so fast we even forgot to take our camera with us.
    The Lord stretched us to trust and wait for Him. We were constantly waiting, wondering, doubting at times, and praying. At first our family was so excited; we were guessing what day we thought we'd get the call to go get our son, Isaac. But as the weeks passed we stopped that game. We had to cancel our vacation and lose a deposit; our anniversary got no attention that year, and we made many other changes. However, it came at the Lord's perfect time. We weren't concerned about the waiting once we held our boy. Then, in the hospital, a nurse said the ultrasound had predicted a due date of June 10, the exact day of his birth, but somehow the adoption agency never knew this fact. But we know the Lord knew, and He decided we should wait. We believe the Lord prepared our hearts to love this boy in the midst of the waiting.

What a thought - that the Lord is preparing our hearts right now to love our child...even as we wait. Sometimes life is all about perspective, and there couldn't have been a better time for me to read this.

So as we celebrate our Savior's birth this weekend by giving gifts to loved ones, we will wait patiently until the Lord gives us our own little gift. And in the end we will know that during all this time, He's been preparing our hearts to love our precious child.

We're Expecting...

But not in the traditional way.

Today our portfolio (which we finally finished! yay!) officially went "in the books". This means that we could be chosen any day now by a set of birthparents.

Can you say exciting? That doesn't even come close!!!

You have all been such a blessing to us through your encouragement, prayers and support -- thank you!! Here are some ways you can be praying specifically:

• Health - for the birthmother and the baby.
• Patience - for us as we wait to be matched. I tend to be a worry-wart and a planner, so facing the big unknown is a little out of my comfort zone. Pray that I am able to leave it all in the Lord's hands and trust His timing.
• Preparation - We have been blessed with a crib from some family friends, but there is much left to do to prepare! We will not be having a baby shower before our little one's arrival, as that will only intensify the waiting, and we want to wait until everything is finalized. However, I will be buying some diapers, onesies, formula, bottles and a few other baby items beforehand. (And I know that my mom has been picking up baby things at garage sales and the like -- she's an excited Grandma-to-be! :) ) It's all new to us, so wisdom and peace would be great in this area. :)
• Finances - Our first big adoption payment has been paid (praise the Lord!), and our second will not be due until the adoption is finalized. We have been so blessed by the generosity of friends (thank you! thank you!! thank you!!!), and we trust that the Lord will provide us with every cent we need along the way. I don't want this to become a source of worry, so again, pray that we can just trust in Jehovah Jireh, Our Provider.
• Comfort - for the birthfamily. This is a huge sacrifice and act of love on their part, and it's way harder than anything I've ever faced. Pray for a special measure of comfort, peace and hope for the family. That they wouldn't live a life of regret, but look forward in hope.
• Future - there are so many aspects in the future that are unknown...how our relationship with the birth family will be, the hospital time, the time in between the baby's birth and the adoption finalization, how we'll adjust, how the baby will bond to us, and so on! Basically, anything that you can think of -- pray for it! :)

Thank you again for holding us up in prayer! You will indeed be blessed! :)

A Confession

So...I got my facts mixed up a bit regarding our education classes this weekend. I thought I had been told that they were parenting education classes...but really, they were adoption information classes, and they were GREAT! :) There were 4 other couples in the class with us, and we were able to turn in another big chunk of our paperwork which was a huge blessing!

Also...the most exciting news....we will be able to have our social worker come and do our homestudy in 2 weeks from now!!! Yahoo!! Originally, I thought we had to complete all of our paperwork before our homestudy could be finished, but apparently not!

So basically, these are the only things we have left to complete before we can be considered a "waiting family":

1. Proof of house/car insurance coverage.
2. Joe's autobiography -- thankfully, he will be working less hours next week, so he hopes to finish this up :)
3. Our letter to the birthmother -- this will be our first impression to any birthmother who comes in wanting to form an adoption plan for her child.
4. Our portfolio -- a 12 page scrapbook summing up who we are and what our lives are like.
5. Our homestudy -- which will be done in 2 weeks!!!!!

And that's it! :)

I tell ya, it's absolutely exhilirating...

We had the opportunity to talk to several adoptive families who came in with their kids and shared their stories over the weekend. It's amazing how each one is completely different. I can't wait to see how the Lord orchestrates our story! :)

Other things we discussed in our education classes:

• Transracial adoption -- being prepared for inappropriate comments, different types of skin/hair care needs, etc.
• What to expect at our first "match meeting" (This is when we meet the birthmother who has chosen us for the first time).
• Glimpses of what the process is like emotionally for birthmothers (this was heartwrenching...)
• How to talk about adoption with your child.
• How to bond with your child and help them adjust to a new home

And so much more...

Needless to say, we are getting very excited -- and scared to death -- as we approach the "waiting" period. The next 2 weeks will be a flurry of activity as we try to clean our house, paint the soon-to-be-baby's room, finish Joe's autobiography, and at least start our portfolio.

Here's how you can be praying:

• Persistence - as we try to finish up our paperwork and get things done around our house. As I speak, Joe is tilling up our garden so that our backyard will look presentable (finally....).
• Wisdom - as we write our letter to the birthmother and begin our portfolio. Thankfully, I was able to see quite a few portfolio examples, and I think I have a good idea of where to start and what I want to do with ours! But it's a daunting task...
• Our vehicle situation - We are still searching for a replacement for Joe's car, though right now, that's not at the top of our list. Even if we don't find one before a baby is placed in our home, that's ok. We trust that the Lord will provide us with what we need, when we need it.
• Birthmother/father - As always, we pray for the woman we will have the honor to meet someday. Please pray that she is safe and makes wise choices for herself and her baby.

As always, thank you so much for your prayers! We look forward to telling our baby how many people were praying for him/her someday... :)