Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Keep the Candle Burning...

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss and Remembrance Day. At 7 pm, I will be joining the many others who have lost their little ones in lighting a candle so that there may be a continuous wave of light across the world.

I know I've been absent in posting lately. I want to write - and I think of things to share...but sometimes it's just easier for me to zone out to something thoughtless or choose the easy route, rather than sort through my emotions enough to articulate them here.

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The past month has been much harder than I expected. I thought that once I passed Sept. 27th, Hopie's due date, that things would get much easier.

I was so wrong.

Instead, it seems that my pain and heartache is only magnified each time I see someone with a newborn, knowing that it should be my daughter we are cooing over and smiling about.

My arms feel more empty than I could have ever imagined.

I hate feeling this way. I hate avoiding conversations with my pregnant friends just because it causes me pain. I hate feeling jealous of those who have just found out that they're expecting. I hate the way my heart jumps every time I hear the word "Hope", only to crash back down in my chest in sadness. I hate waiting from month to month, wondering if I'll ever be pregnant again ...if my womb will ever carry a sweet little one to term. I hate it that I avoid spending time with the Lord like I should be. Ugh. I just hate it.

I don't intend for this post to be all about me....my pain and my suffering and my loss...God only knows that there are so many others out there going through severe loss and grief that I can't even come close to.

I'm just being honest about how it's been lately. Unfortunately, it's been dark and a bit ugly inside my head and heart.

I know I'm being prayed for. And I appreciate that more than I can ever express. Please don't stop. Your prayers are often what get me through those moments of unexpected tears and wrenching heartache.

On the flip side -- if you are one of my pregnant friends, or someone who just had a baby, please please do not feel guilty. Your little one is such a precious lamb of God...treasure what you have. Treasure every kick that you feel. Kiss their little fingers and toes. Cherish every moment your belly expands or every soft kiss against their cheek. And know that I rejoice with you -- I really do. There is nothing like the joy of new life...

So today with hope, I will remember my Hopie. Knowing that she's in the arms of Jesus - where there is no more sin, no more pain, and no more heartache....she is in the most perfect and complete place she could ever be. And I can't wait to join her there.

I will also remember the precious little ones of those so dear to my heart: Alethia Joy, Samuel, Max & Olivia, Audrey, Isaac, Baby Stuelke, Baby Evers, and so many more....I can't help but smile thinking about the ruckus they must be making in Heaven. :)

7 comments:

Tony and Lisa said...

I'm praying for you today, my sweet Elizabeth. May God give you a deeper yearning for Him and for Heaven as you grieve little Hopie with hope. Dad and I will light a candle tonight at 7 and remember our first grandchild whom we long to meet.
I love you,
Mom

Charity said...

My dear Liz, thank you for sharing your heart with us. I can identify with soo many of the things that you shared. I continue to think of and pray for you often and will be remembering baby Hope in a special way this evening. I know that she and Alethia Joy are playing together in Heaven :)

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Abbie said...

Thanks for your honesty and for remembering my babies! I'm remembering Hopie along with you and I'm so happy our babies are all together having fun! I think you're right about the ruckus... :)

Marcie said...

I loved that last comment of how they must be making a ruckus in heaven. What a sweet thought that our babies are together enjoying heaven with our Lord. Thank you for sharing your heart. Praying for you as you miss your little Hopie.

J-Funk said...

Thank you for such an open and honest post. We send our love from Seattle and have been thinking about you a lot. I hope very soon things will turn for you because you deserve it!

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